


To leave, after all, was not the same as being left

by Coldfeetonthekitchenfloor



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Agony, Angst, Breakup, Broken Louis, Confusion, Fluff, Fluffy, Hurt, Imwakingupto, Love, M/M, Multi, Other, Pain, Romance, Sad, Sad Larry, Scared Harry, Sobbing, larry stylinson - Freeform, lonely, relationship, sob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-01-26 12:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1689047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coldfeetonthekitchenfloor/pseuds/Coldfeetonthekitchenfloor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm sorry Lou, I'm so sorry." But something isn't right. Harry's voice is clear, he isn't drunk but Harry never cries when he is sober so this, this is something.<br/>“No,” Louis responds and it’s quiet with just a hint of tentativeness but the anger’s what really gets through and he knows this by the way Harry’s breath hitches as he tries to choke back a sob.<br/>“You don’t get to do that anymore. You don’t get to call me by my nickname and try and make it sound like everything’s okay when we both know it’s not.” There's silence and Harry's uneven breaths come through the phone.<br/>"I-i miss you." Harry stutters and Louis almost forces himself to rip the phone away from his ear and end the call before he can hear the rest of this but he doesn’t.<br/>"You left me, remember?" Louis says, his throat tightening because he remembered very well, even if Harry didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Filipendulous  
(adj.) hanging by a thread

Louis always wondered why Harry had never had a long term relationship. The younger boy was gorgeous, the definition of the word gentlema. He apologised when it wasn't even him in the wrong but was called a womaniser which made Louis sick to his stomach as that couldn't be further from the truth. He would never say an unkind word about anybody or to anyone, no matter how much they hurt him, he was polite and when he loved someone or something, he loved with his whole heart. So Louis was often left confused, trying to work out why and how Harry always ended up alone.  
It was just over a year when he finally understood.  
Every person has a flaw. This was Harry's.

He hadn't noticed at first. It was tiny things, insignificant details, hints, foreshadowing, of what was to come. Harry went home at least twice a week, only small, unimportant things were left at Louis flat. An odd t-shirt or a pair of socks. He had a passcode on his phone, many people had passcodes it wasn't an odd thing but Louis didn't have one on his. Harry forgot to mention things, like how Louis mother had called or how he wasn't staying with Louis' tonight. He didn't think about these, toes not to because he's never been good at trusting that someone is telling the truth when they say they will stay. So pushes down his fears and puts it down to Harry just being Harry. Not the fact that Harry had no ties with him, never that. He first noticed things were different when the texting stopped. Whenever they weren't together and even when they were, there would be an easy flow of text messages. Of "have a good day", "stay safe little one", "don't trip over today curly." The texts got shorter, read but not replied to, paragraphs turning to sentences, sentenced to one word and then they just stopped altogether. It wasn't for lack of trying, Louis texts him, he tells him he misses him, he sends him corny jokes, it's just hard to have a one way conversation. Two days later and Harry finally turns up at Louis flat, so late that it was considered the next day. He had stripped and got straight into bed, mumbling an "I'm sorry," curling his body around Louis in an usual way because it it's supposed to be the other way around, Harry's the one that folds himself up small. Then he falls asleep, giving no explanation where he had been or why he hadn't answered the messages. When Louis wakes the next morning, he's greeted with cold, empty sheets and a note on the fridge that read "been busy, sorry Louis." And he tries not to worry, he really tries, it's just that he's not as good as keeping away his insecurities as he pretends to be. He doesn't quite remember when things began falling apart after that, when Harry turned distant, when they stopped being LouisandHarry and turned into Louis and Harry but it happened pretty quickly. Harry mostly ignores Louis' messages, only replying to a few about when he was coming over. When he did come over, it was always past midnight and few words were exchanged before he fell asleep. Louis would wake up alone and this was how it was for about a month. He can't understand it and he's not sure if he wants to understand it. Then Louis can't take it anymore. Harry's visits were now once a week and Louis deep down, chaining in the bottom of his stomach is the assumption he doesn't want to acknowledge. Harry doesn't want him anymore. He was stringing him along, didn't want to hurt Louis so barely kept it going. Louis holds back the nausea at that, avoids talking properly to Harry, even if that's the thing he craves the most, he's never been good at keeping quiet. He knows, that's the thing. That it's coming, and it hurts becuase he can't do a god damned thing about it. He feels like a stranger in his own home. In what was supposed to be their home. And he hates it, it burns him from the inside out. There's something crawling under his skin, and it's not supposed to be this way. They're supposed to be happy, blindly in love for each other, but it seems like the complete contrary. The night it happens Harry slips quietly into Louis' flat, not bothering to even knock, using the spare key he had been given months ago. He takes off his boots and jeans and walks into the room in his pants and t-shirt. Louis raises himself up, leans on his elbows and he catches green eyes in the moonlight. His throat catches then, eyes stinging as Harry fumbles his way in the dark to the bed. He gets in without a word, careful not to touch Louis in any way. And Louis aches, he just god damn aches.  
"Harry." He whispers, and it comes out like a breath, he counts down the seconds till his reply.   
"M'tired Louis, can we talk in the morning?" Harry finally mumbles, quietly. And his heart jumps a little at that, hope never quite smothered out.  
"No," Louis says flatly and then his throat is constructing, cutting off his Sri supply as he forces the next words out, "you won't be here in the morning." Pain tinges the edges and he hopes Hardy doesn't catch it. He doesn't answer for a long time and Louis starts to wonder if he had fallen asleep. He sighs, lies back down, turns away from the warmth beside him, heart smouldering in his small chest.   
"I can't do it, Lou." he finally says, so quietly that Louis wonders if he had heard him right. He hadn't heard his nickname come from Harry in a long time and if it was going to be used in that kind of sentence, he didn't want it said. He pushes the grit out of his voice, a tiny bit of unwanted concern slipping in because he hopes he's wrong about all this, he prays he's so fucking wrong. "Can't do what Harry?" Louis asks and it's all he can manage before the anger burns behind his eyes. Harry was so close to him, yet so far away. If he reached out he could touch him but the thought of him rejecting his touch is enough to keep Louis on his side of the bed. "I'm sorry. It's not you-" Harry starts. And Louis' blood burns with anger and panic because he can't be doing this.  
And he shakes his head violently then, because no, please no, this can't be happening. "Don't you dare give me that 'it's not you, it's me bullshit.' Was it my imagination or were things actually really good? Cause to me it was more than good Harry." Louis grits out, from between his teeth. Harry sighs and Louis swears his foot just brushed his, just for a second, but he felt it. His anger disappears at the contact and he's left with sadness, hot water stinging the corners of his eyes.  
"Louis it's too much, I'm so sorry I just can't do this anymore." Harry says, repeating himself with this robotic voice that's supposed to be unfeeling but Louis knows him better than that, he can hear something behind it and he knows that if it wasn't so dark Harry's green eyes would be filled with guilt. He's glad for the blackness then because he doesn't want to see guilt there, especially not aimed at him.  
"Don't Harry, Please." He all but whimpers and he feels Harry arisen across the space between them. "Don't leave me without a reason." Louis speaks shakily, his voice betraying him and breaking on a couple of words. Harry doesn't reply to that and instead, shifts himself closer to Louis on the bed. His long, muscular arms reach out and pull the older but smaller boy closer to him. Louis knows that he should demand an answer but Harry hadn't touched him in weeks and Louis had missed the simple pleasure of being close to him. Louis gives in and presses his forehead into Harry's chest. Harry puts his chin on top of Louis head and somehow their legs tangle together. Neither of them knows were one starts and the other ends and as they wrap up in each other, Louis takes in the smell of mint, honey and cologne, which he knows as Harry and he can't control the way his eyelids flutter shut. What he doesn't know or see is the couple of silent tears that run down Harry's face and into his hair. 

***

Louis wakes slowly, cautiously. He feels odd, like something is missing. Before even opening his eyes he reaches across the bed. His hand grips empty sheets and he nods to himself. What was he expecting anyway? He drags himself out of his bed, which smells of Harry, not that he smelt the bed, but if we was to, he was sure it would, and walks barefoot, on shaky legs, to the kitchen. He sits at his breakfast bar and puts his head on the table, something glints in the sunlight and catches his eye. I'm not going to cry, he promises himself before lifting his head and picking up the small shining object from just in front of him. He grips it tightly for a moment as if hoping if he squeezes it tight enough it will disappear. It doesn't however, and as Louis turns his hand over, uncurling his fingers, he nods to himself once more. In his palm lay a key, Harry's key. This time there is no note on the fridge. The finality of it shocks him.


	2. Chapter 2

He spends the rest of the day not quite realising what is happening. He waits for an explains toon, he's waiting for Harry to come bursting in, telling him that this was all a sick joke. He texts him a simple "Hi x" and after spending an hour staring at his phone screen he starts to worry. It's later that night when Louis is alone in bed that he gets the feeling that Harry isn't coming back. Almost all of his things are gone except for an odd sock, a bandana, a t-shirt, two jumpers and his smell on the pillow. Not that Louis had been looking. His eyes grow wet as his tired mind longs for the one thing he thinks he's lost but he shuts them tightly, he will come back, he has to. The night is long and Louis is restless, finding it hard to sleep with this new found emptiness in his heart. He wakes around 4am and stumbles into kitchen his head hurting and his body aching in that way it does when he doesn't get enough sleep. If Harry was here he would make him tea just the way he likes it, milky, two sugars. He would then get out the warm winter blanket, the super fluffy one, and they would cuddle on the couch. The tv would be on and barely audible, switched onto some American sitcom, probably 'How I met your mother' or 'friends' because those were Harry's favourites. Then Harry would lie with him on the couch, holding him tight, sometimes mumbling quiet words until sleep finally over took Louis and he would wake up after lunch the next day feeling much more rested and too hot as he would be pressed up close to Harry who had this constant heat radiating from him. He would be awake, he always woke first and when Louis' eyes fluttered open, his head on Harry's chest and Harry's arms around him, Harry would be staring at him with this intense look, sunlight caught in his eyes, watching him. And then his lips would curl upwards in a small smirk and every time without fail a "good morning sleepyhead" would fall from his lips in this deep morning voice. And Louis' breathing would hitch, his face breaking out in a sleepy smile because this was how he wanted to wake up every single morning for the rest of his life, and he doesn't care how cheesy that sounds. 

But Harry wasn't here and once Louis has made his tea he shuffles to the sofa almost expecting Harry to be waiting for him, bundled up in the big blanket. He isn't of course and Louis sighs, biting his lip because he just feels so alone. But Harry is coming back, he tells himself, he has to. *** The day after, Louis is still in a sort of trance, going to work, coming home, his usual routine, telling himself that Harry would come back soon. It's on the third day that it just clicks and Louis breaks. The string of text messages he had been sending pop up on the screen with little red crosses next them, they wont send. He doesn't cry because he promised himself that he wouldn't but he finally understands that Harry has left him. Anger gets through first and he ends up breaking a few things, tugging on his hair because he didn't even give him an explanation. He calls Harry repeatedly but each one goes straight through to answer phone and stabs at Louis' Heart a little more, he tidies up after, when he's calmed down but then comes sadness and realisation that he might not come back and oh god what if he doesn't. And then Louis Heart breaks. His chest hurts and he can't breathe because it's all suddenly so real, Harry's gone. He spends that day in his bed holding himself in a tight ball, wearing one of the jumpers Harry left. His boss rings him, asking why he wasn't in and he mentions that something had gone wrong between him and Harry and somehow his boss understands, telling him that he could have a few days off to clear his head. Louis is grateful, he is, but he doesn't know what to do. The week passes quickly and he's so alone. His friends call him but he doesn't answer and they leave it at that. His mum does the same except he answers her calls and pretends that he's busy because what is he supposed to tell her? He doesn't even know what's happening himself. When his first weekend without Harry begins, he starts to count the days, watch the minutes tick by meaninglessly. His pastime becomes staring at the wall clock, letting the dull, monotonous ‘tick-tick-tick’ be the new soundtrack of his life. It gets harder for him to drag himself out of bed every morning, it gets harder for him to remember the things that he has to do every afternoon, and it gets harder for him to get even a few hours of sleep every night. The thing was, he dreamt of Harry every night. It felt so real. And when he'd wake up the next morning, it was like Harry's disappearance was fresh. Like he'd left him all over again.  
Truth be told, he’s very, very exhausted, but he’s trying to carry on, he honestly is. All he wants is Harry, he needs him but at the moment Harry seems unreachable. He will wait for him though because he doesn't want anybody else.

It's on that Tuesday after when Zayn comes to his flat, angrily knocking on the door.  
"Louis let me in." He says loudly and Louis groans.  
"If you're ill you could have told me instead of moping around, avoiding my calls." He shouts again and Louis has no choice but to let Zayn in before he wakes up the whole building.  
Zayn takes one look at him and pulls him into a hug. Louis' eyes are missing their usual brightness and his constant childlike energy is gone.  
"What's up mate?" He asks, pulling back and looking at him with concern. He hadn't seen him in 3 weeks and he was worried, Louis never disappeared off the face of the earth.  
"Noting I'm fine." Louis says, his voice is weak and he looks down at his feet. Zayn sees straight through him and knows that he isn't. He looks around the apartment and Louis' runs his hands through his hair embarrassed. There's plates and mugs everywhere and the floor has random piles of clothes on it. Zayn frowns. Harry would never let the flat get like this, this is like what Louis' flat used to look like before Harry moved in.  
"Where's Styles?" He asks and Louis reaction gives it away. His eyes dart to the floor and then back up to Zayn's face and he doesn't answer. He shuts the door and Zayn follows him to the couch. Louis sits but then stands back up again, his hands tugging his hair. He paces for a moment, Zayn watching him with a confused expression before he turns to face him.  
"Me and Harry yeah? What went wrong?" He asks. Zayn frowns and opens his mouth to answer but Louis doesn't let him.  
"We were fine right? Inseparable. Then he just walks out, no explanation, no note, leaving nothing but his key on the breakfast bar." Louis says and it hurts to say it out loud but he feels better now that it's off his chest because he just doesn't understand.  
He paces again until Zayn stops him, pulling him down so he was sitting out the couch next to him.  
"Louis stop, what happened?" He asks still not understanding.  
Louis takes a deep breath.  
"He stopped texting me, just over a month ago. It was strange, he still kept coming over but it was like it was an effort, it was weird. We spent every day together for almost a year and then that happened. I thought maybe he just needed his space or something. I don't know. We don't really talk about these things." He says and it's the truth, they didn't. They never labeled themselves they never referred to each other as "my boyfriend" they were just LouisandHarry and as long as they were together that was all that mattered, they didn't need to talk about it.  
Zayn's rubs his face with his hand.  
"Urgh you two" he groans shaking his head.  
"You frustrate me, this why it's going wrong, you need communication." He says and Louis rolls his eyes.  
"Anyway he kept coming over less and less and I should have said something, don't know why I didn't. He'd been over once in a whole week and it was like 12 at night. I tried to talk to him but he wasn't interested, told me he was tired. I made him answer me and he said he couldn't do this. We fell asleep and then he was gone the next morning. That was just over a week ago." He trails off, tears in his eyes because what has he done wrong? Zayn pulls him into a hug again and it makes him feel worse because he doesn't want his sympathy. Harry will come back, he has to. After ordering a pizza for dinner, Zayn leaves with a promise to come back in a few days and tells Louis to stop moping around because he's Harry and he will come back. Louis is alone again and he doesn't know if he can wait for Harry because it's killing him. He unlocks his phone and his messages still haven't sent but he sends one more before he goes to sleep anyway.  
"I hope you change your mind and my phone will chime or my Facebook chat will ping and you'll say 'hi' and everything will be ok. Come back, please?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not too happy with this chapter but its just a sort of filler.


	3. Chapter 3

Philophobia  
(n.) fear of falling in love

It’s the way that Louis stares sometimes…all the time.

The way that his eyes just sort of light up when he manages to catch these moments that no one else seems to and that smile just appears just at the edges where his lips meet, that hidden smile that he saves only for Harry. Harry catches him, of course. Louis would just blush and look away but the next time Harry would look up at him he would still be staring.  
It overwhelms him. Sure the people who Harry had been with before have looked at him lovingly but with Louis it was different. Louis looked at him with so much adoration and fondness that it completely terrifies him.  
Harry’s in love with the boy who lights up the sky in a million colours, scattering any terrible thoughts Harry might have into the wind with one simple laugh. A boy that blinds him because his light is too much. It makes Harry’s own light dim and flicker in comparison, a simple gust of wind a threat to its very existence. It makes him crave the warmth from Louis' glow, makes him want the boy more than anything he’s ever wanted.  
Harry begins to distance himself from Louis. Helping him along is the face that Louis hasn't quite twigged what's going on. He notices when Harry pulls away from him sooner than he normally would, or when he doesn't automatically invite Louis home after work, or when he doesn't respond when Louis drops one of their inside jokes. Harry knows he notices because Louis telegraphs everything he feels on his face, there's confusion in that hurt but no accusation. The longer he could keep pushing them apart without Louis figuring it the whole way out, the easier this would be. Harry hates those moments when Louis' face falls and he tries to avoid eye contact every time he does something which he thinks will cause one. Ignore a touch, then look away. Leave a joke hanging, then look away. He starts to feel as though he's spending half his time with Louis trying not to look at him. Harry catches little moments that he wishes he didn't, Stripes, Louis cat, climbs onto Louis lap and he lifts his hands to make room. Harry wonders idly how many more times he'll watch that happen. Then he wonders when he started counting down instead of up. He feels the distance stretching out further and further between them and it's as if Louis notices but doesn't acknowledge it. It's a slow, quiet slide, like drowning peacefully, if he turns the music up loud in the car he almost doesn't notice how deafeningly silent the drive home from work seems now when he's alone.

Maybe Harry should have left earlier, before his love for Louis had grown too strong but he just couldn't let go. He had to keep coming back, even for just the night, just to watch Louis sleeping next to him, the moonlight giving him a sort of glow. It was hard, so hard to finally let go. To leave for the last time. He knew it was going to hurt, but he didn't know that it would hurt this much. Harry believes in true love but he doesn't believe in forever. In the end there's always heartbreak and he doesn't want to endure it. He'd rather be alone. He doesn't know when he first became scared of love but he's ok, he has to be. 

However, Harry starts to fall apart. At first it happens little by little, almost in a way where he doesn't even notice that he is actually braking at the seams. He tries to distract himself because life without Louis seems impossible. He reads, he watches t.v, he plays golf but even with all of these distractions, he has dreams. His dreams are always Louis. Dreams about ghost touches of Louis lips pressed against his and and fingers interlocking with his, holding him in the way that only Louis could. He wakes in a cold sweat after these dreams. When his best mate Niall catches on, and he catches on a few days after leaving Louis, Harry doesn't have to say a word. Niall pulls him into his arms and hugs him tight.  
"It's different this time." Harry says.  
"You really loved him, didn't you." Niall says.  
Harry nods and Niall bites his lip.  
"Just say it Niall." Harry sighs.  
"I know your scared Haz but your gonna end up alone if you keep leaving the people you love." Niall says in his accent.  
Harry doesn't answer because he knows it true but he can't, he just can't let himself love Louis because love hurts. 

There's this flashback that flashes through his mind a lot lately as every time it turns to night and Harry lays under the stars unable to sleep, it's there in the front if his mind. Louis had always been obsessed with the stars. And the memory breaks him even more because he could have left earlier, he could have saved himself and Louis this heart break. 

Louis was looking up at the stars admiring them, much like Harry was admiring Louis. Harry then asks why Louis brought him up here, in this old tree house without a roof which was so old that it creaked when they moved, and Louis doesn't give a real reply. He just points at the sky, smiles and says,  
"Look at the stars, Haz." And then he turns to look at Harry, his hair falling in his face. "They're shining for you."  
Harry's heart stutters and he's completely choked. Butterflies fill his stomach and he's suddenly burning with love and adoration for the feathery haired boy laying next to him. He looks at Louis for a long moment before he finally tares his eyes from the older boys face and looks at the stars. Harry gazes at the little lights that fill the sky and he thinks that Louis is wrong. The stars are shining but there shining for the boy beside him.  
And it's only after his heart slows down and the butterflies began to flutter less rapidly and his skin is left with only a soft warmth and he was in bed counting the stars that were nowhere near as bright as Louis' eyes, that he realises how gone he is for him. It terrifies him but as Louis shuffles closer into his side in his sleep he decides to push the fear away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that jumped around a little, I hoped you followed it xx


	4. Chapter 4

Capernoited  
(adj.) peevish; tipsy or intoxicated 

Niall has refused to leave Harry's flat until he knows what's going on and Harry doesn't know why he expected anything else from Niall. He doesn't want to have this conversation because it's hurting him, the whole thing is hurting him and he realises that Louis must be hurting too. That's what breaks him. Once he finally gives in an explains to Niall, he wishes he didn't because of course the obnoxious, blonde Irishman has questions. Harry knows he only means well but Harry doesn't want to have this conversation at the moment. He wants to spend some time feeling sorry for himself.

"Why?" Niall asks. "What suddenly made you decide to do that?"  
Harry bites his lip and flinches as the memory takes over. 

Louis Is drunk, more than drunk, pickled as Harry liked to say. Harry pulls the stumbling boy closer to his side as he tries to walk Louis the small distance from the pub to the awaiting taxi. He waves goodbye to the rest of the boys, who were doing not much better than Louis at walking in a straight line, and calls a goodnight before checking Louis is steady on his feet, taking his arm back from around Louis waist and opening the car door. Louis only stays upright for a minute and ends up stumbling over his own feet and catching the back of the taxi for support. Harry laughs, finding the whole situation rather amusing. Louis never drinks this much. 

"Jesus Lou, can you even see straight?" He laughs.  
"Of course I can Hazzabear!" Louis slurs. "Just a bit clumsy tha-" he trails off with a frown on his face. He's looking at Harry who seems to have two heads and blinking rapidly trying to get him to return normal.  
Harry smirks. Louis never calls him "Hazzabear" unless they are on there own or he wants to wind Harry up.  
"You sure about that?" He says, not convinced at all. Louis nods and Harry helps him into the car before shutting the door and walking around to the other side. He slides in next to Louis in the back seat because he knows that there is no chance that Louis would be able to put his seatbelt on. Harry clicks his own seatbelt on easily, he didn't drink too much and just feels sort of buzzed. He watches Louis, who is being unusually quiet especially as he was this drunk, fumble with his for a while before reaching out and clicking it in for him. Harry gives the driver the address and sees that the picture on his identity card is of the man playing golf. They fall into an easy conversation about the sport and Harry is in mid sentence when Louis interrupts.  
"Haz?" He asks shifting closer to him and looking at him with a puzzled expression.  
Harry immediately stops talking when Louis speaks, he had been very quiet for most of the journey which wasn't like Louis at all.  
"Yeah?" He asks putting his arm around the smaller boy. Louis snuggles into his side and sighs.  
"Nothing" he says.  
Harry frowns but shrugs it off and carries on his conversation with the driver. When they arrive, Harry pays the man and by the time he gets out, Louis has managed to get his seatbelt off and open the car door. Harry rushes round to help him but it's too late and Louis falls up the kerb. Harry laughs at him and helps him to his feet. Louis looks up at the night sky and he's thoughtful, pensive. He grins, this happy excited look on his face.  
"Promise me something?" He pauses and Harry makes an affirmative sound. "Will you catch me one?” he says, returning his gaze to Harry's face.  
Harry blinks down at him, furrowing is eyebrows, confused as hell.  
“Catch you what, Boo?” He asks and he gets away with the nickname due to Louis' drunken state.  
Louis laughs like it’s the most obvious thing ever, lifting an arm and pointing at the stars above them.  
“Will you catch me a star?” Louis requests, one hand spread across Harry’s chest to keep himself from falling, and Harry wonders if the other boy can feel how fast his heart is beating.  
Really, in all honesty Harry doesn't quite fully understand Louis’ request, doesn't get how he was supposed to catch a star for the beautiful boy. But Harry knows he could never say no to Louis. No matter what, Harry will do whatever Louis wants him to.  
"I promise." He whispers. Louis smiles at that and Harry can't help but smile back because this is what Louis does to him.  
Louis grabs onto Harry and leans into him for support as they enter the building. Harry presses the button for the elevator and Louis smiles reaching down to touch his cat who was circling his feet.  
"Awh look how small this Lion is!" He says excitedly. Harry shakes his head with a smile and rolls his eyes.  
"Lou that's Stripes" he says raising an eyebrow. Louis squints at his cat confused and runs his hands through his hair which causes him to lose balance and Harry holds him tighter.  
Louis blue eyes are rimmed with red which only makes the blue look bluer and his hair is now a mess but Harry thinks he looks adorable. The elevator doesn't come down and Harry sighs, now he was going to have to try and get Louis up the stairs.  
"C'mon Louis, stairs" he says, leading Louis towards the back of the building. Louis puts his foot on the first step, well tries to but completely misses and Harry grabs him. Louis grips onto Harry's t-shirt and giggles.  
"Maybe I'm a bit drunk," he says. "Carry me?" He asks and Harry knows he hasn't really got a choice and he's thankful that Louis is little and he can easily lift him. He let's go of Louis and turns his body. Louis wobbles but gets the idea and jumps onto Harry's back. Harry walks up the stairs, a little out of breath when he reaches the top because of the extra weight on his back. He considers putting him down but decides against it seeing as it would be much easier and quicker if he carried him inside. And of course he likes having a cuddly, giggly Louis on his back.  
"How come you don't piggy back me all the time?" Louis slurs with a smile.  
"One because you have legs, two because it would give me a back ache and three because I can't see you when your behind me.  
"Do you need to see me?" Louis asks.  
"Definitely" Harry replies, unlocking the door.  
"I'm nothing special" Louis whispers. Harry doesn't know how the conversation changed to this but he frowns at his words because he doesn't quite understand why Louis is so insecure, always so insecure. He walks inside, shutting the door behind him before answering.  
"You are to me." He breathes out and he feels Louis' heart which is pressed against his back, beat faster. Louis doesn't reply and Harry heads towards the bedroom.  
"Stop!" Louis suddenly says, making Harry stop where he was.  
"Can you....I need......put me down please" he slurs, jumbling up his words.  
"Can't you just wait until I've got you to bed?" Harry asks.  
"No, right now" Louis insists and Harry releases his legs and Louis slides off Harry's back and onto the floor. His legs instantly turn to jelly and Harry quickly spins round to hold him up.  
"It's alright, I got it, I got it." Louis says holding his hands up. Harry let's go slightly and Louis wobbles.  
"No you haven't," he laughs, gripping onto Louis waist. "Lou, let's go to bed."  
Louis shakes his head.  
"Listen" he says and Harry does just that. He can hear a song playing very faintly. He must have forgotten to turn the radio off earlier.  
"Dance with me?" Louis asks, cocking his head to one side and giving Harry a playful smirk.  
"Really? You can barely even stand up!" Harry laughs.  
"Please?" Louis says and Harry's resolve is gone the moment the word falls from Louis mouth.  
Harry rolls his eyes and let's go of Louis with one arm, still supporting him with the other, and reaches to turn the radio up a little.  
Louis reaches up and puts his arms around Harry's neck. Harry's hand stays on Louis waist but the other on rests on the small of his back. They sway to the music, unsteadily and Louis often trips over Harry's feet but Harry's got him, he won't let him fall. Louis suddenly stops and Harry frowns, confused. He lifts Louis up onto the kitchen counter so he's sitting and cant fall over.  
Harry stands between Louis legs, facing him.  
"Look we're the same height like this" Harry mumbles, cheekily.  
"Shut up" Louis smiles. Before his expression changes to something else. He shuts his eyes for a long moment and sways slightly.  
"What's wrong?" Harry asks him and tilts Louis chin up to look at his face. Louis looks a little disorientated but shakes his head and looks back at Harry. He looks tired but Happy.  
"Bit dizzy" he says leaning forward and resting his head on Harry's shoulder. Harry is taken aback because here in front of him is vulnerable Louis, a Louis he had rarely ever seen before. A first for him. Harry's hand automatically reaches up and runs through Louis hair. He needs a haircut was his first thought but when Louis starts purring like a kitten Harry's second thought is how attached he is to this boy. After a few minutes like that, he pulls away from Louis and opens the cupboard to his left which contains glasses. He fills one with water and hands it to Louis. Louis sticks out his bottom lip but is too tired to argue. Harry then pops two painkillers out of the packet on the side, and puts them in Louis hand. Louis frowns.  
"Your going to have a headache, take them" he says as an explanation. Louis does as he's told and once he's finished the glass he already feels like he is more level headed than he was before. He pulls his t-shirt over his head and throws it on the floor and Harry helps him off of the counter.  
"Can you help me please?" Louis says pointing towards his jeans. Harry helps him tug them off and Louis is left in his boxers. He shivers and Harry surprises him by picking him up bridal style and carrying him into the bedroom. Harry puts Louis on the bed and undresses until he is in the same state as Louis. He climbs in the sheets and Louis instantly cuddles up to his side. Harry pulls him closer and wraps his arms around him.  
"Night Lou." he says kissing the top of Louis head.  
"Night Haz." Louis mumbles and then stops for a few seconds. His brain battles his heart. His voice travels through the darkness and then "I love you."  
Harry freezes. All his muscles stop and he feels like he is suffocating. He takes a deep breath and looks down at Louis who is now snoring peacefully in his arms. Goosebumps raise on his skin and he can't breath because no, he can't love him. Fear takes over and he doesn't sleep that night, tossing a turning because this is bad, he can't let this happen.  
In the morning he has a headache and he can't decide if it's from what he heard last night or because of the alcohol, either way it adds to his bad mood. All he knows is he has to leave, as quickly as possible. He dresses quickly to a groaning Louis and tells him he needs to go home as he doesn't feel well. It's partly true but Louis must feel 1000 times worse than he did. He says goodbye and Louis barely moves from underneath his duvet where it was dark and didn't hurt his head. Harry is shaking but leaves a note on the kitchen table, with some pills and a bottle of water, before he leaves, which reads:

Take this, drink this and feel better~H xxx

That was what scared him into realising he had to stop this before it went any further, he needed to stop this. And that was when he made up his mind, he had to leave. It couldn't just be a quick, then and there thing because that would make it worse and he didn't want to leave yet. So he began to let go of things that were important. 

Niall's still waiting for an answer and Harry shuts his eyes. "He told me he loved me." He answers.


	5. Chapter 5

"Louis? Louis!" A hand gets waved in front of his face and he snaps out of his staring at the stool in corner of the coffee bar. The one Harry would come and sit at when he didn't have work. The one he stood up on and asked the whole cafe to raise their hand if they thought that Louis should go on a date with him. The one he sat down on, after almost all hands went up, with a huge grin on his face. The one he sat on a year before that, the day after they met for the first time.  
He tares his eyes away from the empty seat and looks at the waitress who had been calling his name.  
"Yeah, sorry." He says quietly. It happened to be Danielle she looked at him with concern.  
"Table 3 would like another round of hot chocolates." She says gently.  
"Coming right up." Louis does his best give her a smile and turns around to make the hot chocolates. The thing was, he used to like his job, enjoyed watching people come in from the cold and sip at a hot drink. Now everything is reminder. Every time the bell rings, signalling someone's entrance he looks up, searching for those familiar green eyes. Every time Danielle playfully pokes his side, trying to get him to spill a coffee he freezes because Harry used to do that. Every time someone asks for a hot chocolate with extra cream, mini marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles his heart jumps because that was Harry's favourite drink. The squirty cream can brings back memories of a fight they had in which Harry ended up with sticky clothes and squirty cream in his hair but most of all it's that stool. It's just that every time he looks up at it he can see Harry there, one hand around a hot chocolate and his other under his chin, his elbow propped up on the table. His eyes would shine and his face was pulled into a happy smirk, watching Louis being careful not to spill a drop or watching him add an extra marshmallow to a lucky customer. Louis would blink and the image would disappear of course, because Harry wasn't there. Hours drag on and he's not even thankful for his lunch break. Danielle sits with him but doesn't talk, she can sense when Louis wasn't in the mood for talking. Louis doesn't eat, he sits staring at his phone hoping for a name to just pop up on the screen. Danielle makes him a tea which he drinks and gives her a smile as a thank you and before long the hour is over and he's back to making coffees and hot chocolates. He burns himself more times than he usefully would in a week; the little red marks should hurt but don't. The cafe has been busy which only indicates that it's getting colder outside and Louis is beginning to regret his walk to work this morning. He didn't even bring a coat. As he watches the last hour tick by slowly he serves a mother with a tiny little boy. The boy in his mothers arms had brown curly hair and as Louis looked at the boy his heart stings a little. He gets the order quickly, hoping that if he hurries up the staff and customers won't see the tears in his eyes. When the clock indicates that his sift his up he unites his apron, hanging it on his peg before saying goodbye to Danielle. She hasn't questioned him all day and he doesn't know what he did to deserve a friend like her. She's like Liam he decides and then tells himself that he should set them up at some point. As he walk out of the small shop his suspicions were right and he's met with an icy wind. He pulls his hoodie tighter around him and walks quickly towards his flat. The wind whips his air and burns his cheeks, turning them a pinky colour, but he kind of doesn't mind as for once it makes him feel something. When he gets home he is shivering and nothing he does seems to make him any warmer. It's as if he's let the coldness in and now it can't get out. The heating is on as hot as it goes and he should be warm by now but he can't seem to stop his tired body from shaking. It's when Lottie knocks on his door later that night when he feels a little better. She's just learnt how to drive and the first thing she wanted to do was drive to see him.  
"Lottie, you've just got your licence and you've driven an hour just to see me?" He asks and she nods.  
"I've missed you Lou, Harry promised you'd both come and see me. Where is he?" She asks and with the happy look on her face he can't tell her, he just can't.  
"He's busy, seeing his mum." Louis decides to tell her and she frowns but lets it go. She notices he's shivering and tells him off.  
"Louis you need to look after yourself! Just because Harry's gone for a few days it doesn't mean you should freeze to death. Why are you so cold? It's boiling in here." She says loudly and he just shrugs. She sighs and turns his heating down before running him a hot bath and getting him some sweats and a jumper. It happens to be Harry's but he doesn't complain. It feels like she's his mum and Louis smiles at that because he misses his mum, he really does. She waits until he's out of the bath and warmer and smiles. He feels a little better and if he doesn't want Lottie to know, he needs to get his act together. He ends up attempting to cook them both dinner and pushes away the instant memory of Harry teaching Louis how to cook for the first time. He doesn't think he can stomach chicken, stuffed with cheese, wrapped in Parma ham and can't cook anything else so it's egg on toast for dinner. Lottie laughs at him when somehow even that ends up burnt.  
"Louis it's black!" Lottie says, eyes wide, popping the bread out of the toaster. He shrugs.  
"It's fine just scrape the burnt off." He says.  
"Scrape the burnt off!" She says appalled.  
"Yes Lottie, look." He says, taking the toast out of her hands, holding it over the bin and scraping it with a knife until the black falls off.  
Lottie laughs because her brother is so ridiculous and Louis joins in, the first time he's laughed since Harry left. That thought stops his laughter and he puts the eggs on top of the funny looking toast. He pushes Lottie her plate and they eat in comfortable silence. It's the first real meal Louis has eaten in a week and it fills him up nicely. Once they're finished Lottie hugs him goodbye and tells him to come and see her soon because everyone misses him. He tells her he will and as she leaves he sighs. What is he gonna do? He puts his head in his hands and groans. He ends up pulling out his laptop and getting into bed. He watches Netflix for hours staring at the screen but not properly watching what is happening. There's a flashing 1 at the bottom corner of his screen and he can't help the way his heart races as he clicks it and his emails pop up. It ends up just being a junk message and he blinks hard. He presses delete and before he knows what he's doing he has composed an email. His fingers press quickly against the keys which click loudly in the silence. 

Harry,  
My texts won't send to you. I'm not sure why, I'm not even going to ask. Email seems a better way to talk to you, well, send you a message. You know what? I want to tell you that I hate you but I can't because I don't, not one bit. I could never hate you, Harry. I hate what you did but I don't hate you. I keep waiting for you but you're not going to come back are you? It's weird without you, can't even remember what I used to do on my own. Lottie asks about you. She’s always wondering why you’ve not come back to see her because you promised you would. Then again, you promised a lot of things that you didn’t stick to, so I’m not too terribly surprised. Do you know what hurts? I remember the day you met Zayn. You were talking about staying in my flat and Zayn was laughing and saying how It must be a nightmare to live with me because I'm so messy. You said that there was no where else you'd rather be. "You're never gonna leave Louis, are you Harry?" Zayn asked jokingly. He ruffled your hair. You grinned and looked at me with those green eyes of yours and shook your head. "No never" is what you said. Even stripes is acting different, he won't sleep on our bed anymore. I don't think it's even "our" bed anymore though is it.  
Just wanted to let you know that I miss you. I guess I’ll see you again someday, and if I don’t then we had the best of times, and that I can’t forget.  
Louis x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there is any mistakes I haven't hand time to edit. Also I know my chapters are short but I try to update everyday. Thank you for the kudos xxx


	6. Chapter 6

Note  
(n.) A short informal letter or written message

Harry's having trouble, he really is. He was alright, well he was managing, until this morning. The thing was, Harry's flat contained tiny bits of Louis, his scent seemed to linger in the bedroom, items of his clothing were in Harry's wardrobe next to his, little items were left everywhere, a few coins, a pen, a headband from when his hair had grown too long. It's when Harry comes across the note he had written that he cries. The note was on a small piece of paper, ripped out of a notepad. Louis' writing was messy, his hand obviously shaky as he wrote it, extremely drunk. Harry can almost hear Louis saying the words on that old piece of paper and he holds it tight in his hands. He remembers the night it was written like it was yesterday and in a way he wishes it was. 

2 years earlier

Harry thinks everything is ready, hopes he hasn't forgotten anything. Harry was pretty well known for his New Year's Eve parties and he was proud of that. The quests are due to arrive in an hour and he still hasn't finished hanging up all of the fairy lights and he hasn't had a shower yet. When his best mate Niall knocks on his door, he's thankful but very flustered. Niall finishes hanging up the lights, telling him that he's better than him at doing this as he has better balance and Harry's about to argue but it's probably the truth. He hurries off to have a shower, getting dressed in his black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt and pulls on a blazer that he hasn't worn in a long time. He blow dries his hair, hoping its dry in time, which is a mistake as it makes his curls fly all over the place. Cursing at himself he grabs a blue bandana with stars on and ties it around his head to hold them out if his face. When he returns, Niall has all of the lights up and on and his flat looks amazing if he does say so himself.  
"Look at you!" Niall says looking Harry up and down. "Hoping to meet someone?"  
Harry looks down at himself and shrugs.  
"Is the blazer too much?" He asks. Niall shakes his head.  
"No you look good." He answers. Harry smiles at him in thanks and rushes around the flat doing some last minute touches before people arrive. 

Soon the flat is filled with people, it's far too hot and the music is too loud. Harry's enjoying himself he really is, but there's something missing. It's strange with all of these people around him he sort of feels alone. He tells himself it's because his sister is late. He's on his second cup of some sort of Bacardi that he has been handed and he keeps getting clapped on the back, being told how great the party is. He finds Niall again in the madness and he forces Harry to dance with him for a few songs. He begins to feel better and he's having a much better time, although it may be down to the 5 drinks he has had. Gemma enters and he cheers.  
"Gemma!" He says bringing Gemma into a hug.  
"Hazza!" She shouts shouts grinning. She pulls away from the hug and motions to the person behind her.  
"Harry this is Louis, Louis this is Harry." She introduces.  
"Hey" Harry says leaning in to shake Louis's hand. He is taken aback because Louis is beautiful. Their eyes meet and Harry is awed because Louis' are piercingly blue.  
"Hey." Louis smiles and Harry's heart jumps, he shakes himself out of it and let's them in, telling himself that it's the alcohol and music making him feel like this.  
"Thought you didn't have a boyfriend?" Harry says to Gemma quietly as he gets her and Louis both a drink.  
"I don't, Louis is a friend." She answers and Harry frowns. Louis is small but looks older than her. He decides to question her about it later before he has to hurry off as a smashing noise can be heard from the other room. After clearing up the smashed beer bottle he washes his hands and sighs. Niall drags him to his dining room table on which "beer pong" is set up on and Niall tells him that he's on his team. Jesus this is like uni all over again. The other team is a friend of Harry's from back home in Cheshire, James, and one of his work friends, Luke. Harry's very good at this game, not that he's played it a lot but the times he has played it he tends to win. James is also quite good but not as good as Harry and by the end of the game Harry has only had to drink a cup of beer and James and Luke must have had at least ten between them. Niall and Harry win and Niall cheers giving Harry a hug. Harry grins but he begins to feel a little claustrophobic. Before he can move someone puts a plastic guitar in his hands and he frowns. He's a little tipsy and it's only when his t.v is turned on and the music is turned down that he realises someone has put on guitar hero. Niall also has a fake guitar and everyone moves out of the way, forming a sort of circle around the two boys. Niall chooses a song and the intro bursts through his t.v speakers.  
"Ready Haz?" Niall shouts over the loud music. Harry nods, smiling.  
"I was born ready!" He shouts back. Niall smirks at him and suddenly the coloured dots appear on the screen. Harry's a little worried because although he isn't bad at this game, Niall plays guitar in real life so has a clear advantage here. Harry's fingers feel tired and as he sways to the music, everyone shouting and dancing around them he misses quite a lot of the notes he is supposed to play. Niall is catching most of his and his small fingers move quickly on the coloured sections of the guitar. After losing round one, a drink gets passes to Harry, he downs it earning a cheer from someone but his eyes almost water. It was incredibly strong. After preparing himself, they start the next round and Harry does much better holding all of the long notes and even smashing out his own guitar solo. He wins this round and Niall begins to sweat as they go head to head for the deciding round. Niall chooses 'eye of the the tiger' and Harry groans. He hates this one. They are both tied halfway through and Harry's fingers hurt. Niall is still smashing it and he doesn't know if he can keep up with him. People are shouting both of their names which is only putting him off more and he loses it in the last thirty seconds where Niall earns himself a solo and wins the game. When it's over everyone erupts into a loud victory for Niall and Harry smiles at the proudness shown on Niall's face.  
"I'll get you next time!" Harry shouts over the sound of the music being turned back up and Niall shakes his head at him.  
"I don't think you will Styles!" He shouts back.  
There's dancing bodies everywhere and the music begins to pound at Harry's head. It was way too hot in here. After escaping the crowd of people he ends up in the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of the stuff he was drinking earlier, he slides open the balcony door and steps out into the dark night. The cool air hits him and he breathes out in relief. Although he held the best new year parties he really didn't like them much. A cough to his side makes him jump before he turns and spots Gemma's friend from earlier.  
"Sorry, was just getting some air." Louis says smiling from the chair he was sitting in. The boy was breathtakingly good looking and Harry couldn't help but stare for a while. It gets a little uncomfortable and shakes himself out of it.  
"Yeah, me too." Harry speaks and gestures towards the chair next to Louis. "Mind if I-" he starts.  
"Yeah, not at all, it's your flat." He says and Harry detects an accent, he's not from London either.  
Harry pulls out the chair and sits in it. He pours some of the drink into his cup and turns to Louis who is frowning at his phone. He presses the lock button before pocketing it and sighing.  
"Girlfriend trouble?" He asks and Louis smiles.  
"Something like that." He answers and Harry's heart drops a little.  
"Want a drink?" He says and Louis nods holding out his empty cup. Harry fills it earning a thanks from Louis and they sit in silence drinking their drinks. It's weird Harry thinks because it's not an awkward silence but more of a comfortable one.  
"They're beautiful." Louis finally speaks and Harry looks up from his feet confused. Louis is looking up, Harry follows his gaze and notices that he's looking at the stars. Harry makes a sound of agreement and pours both of them another drink. Harry decides that it's the alcohol that makes him talk after that and he embarrasses himself.  
"You know? You're quite beautiful." He tells the boy and Louis blushes, catching Harry's eye and looking down.  
"Your not from around here?" He questions and Harry thinks that he must have recognised his own accent.  
"No, I'm from Cheshire. You?" Harry says.  
"Doncaster." Louis says and as soon as he's said it Harry nods he recognises that now.  
"How old are you?" Harry asks.  
"22. You?" Louis replies.  
"20" Harry says.  
"Ah you're a baby." Louis grins and Harry rolls his eyes. He doesn't know what it is, maybe it's the drink but he feels so comfortable around Louis, like they've know each other for years.  
"What do you do?" Louis asks Harry and Harry turns his chair slightly so they can talk easier.  
"Uh...I work in a bakery." Harry replies slowly.  
"You don't seem very happy about that." Louis picks up and Harry scrunches his nose up.  
"No, it's great but I wanna do so much more." Harry replies.  
"Like what?" Louis asks and he looks genuinely curious.  
"I don't know, well I like to sing but I'm not too good. Always wanted to audition for x-factor but never built up the courage." He answers truthfully.  
"I bet you are good, why did you move to London?" Louis asks.  
"Guess I just got bored, wanted a change of scenery." Harry shrugs and raises an eyebrow.  
"What about you? You're a long way from home." Harry says.  
"Wanted to get away, it's a bit crowded at home, I've got 6 sisters." Louis says quietly.  
"6?" Harry says incredulous. "What do you do?" Harry asks wanting to know even more, Louis fascinated him.  
"I work in the coffee bar down town." He says.  
"I go there sometimes, good hot chocolate." Harry says licking his lips.  
"Yeah that's because I make it." Louis replies and Harry grins at that.  
"So you're single?" Louis asks, guessing as he didn't get introduced to anyone.  
"Yeah, haven't found the right person." He says.  
"Don't see why not, you seem like a charmer, you could be with anyone you wanted." Louis says and Harry's cheeks grow pink at that.  
"What about you?" Harry asks.  
"Well I sort of had a girlfriend, I don't know it's complicated, I don't want to be with her." Louis says and Harry sighs because he said "girlfriend" but Louis doesn't want to be with her which is ok.  
They ramble on for about an hour talking about anything and everything and soon they've finished the bottle and are both slurring. A countdown can be heard from inside and the boys hurry Into the warm to count with everyone.  
5  
4  
3  
2  
1  
The room erupts and everyone kisses and hugs each other. Harry looks down to the boy next to him and smiles.  
"Happy new year Louis." He says.  
"Happy new year Harry." Louis answers and then he's gone. Niall pulls Harry in for a hug and a drunken sloppy kiss but Harry doesn't complain as he is equally as drunk. The party goes on for a few more hours but Harry doesn't see Louis again. One by one everyone leaves and Harry is tired of hugs once Niall goes and he's left on his own. Harry goes to bed deciding to leave the mess until the morning. This ends up being a bad idea and it takes him the whole of the next day to clean up and he could never manage to get a stain out of his carpet. What he does find however is a note under the empty bottle that Louis had brought in from the balcony.  
He can still, vaguely remember saying,  
“I just - I really want to find someone nice. I want to fall in love. You know what I mean?"  
At the time, he didn't receive a real answer, but now there is this. The handwriting isn’t perfect, written in a rush, but the words still knock the breath out of him.  
‘Feel free to fall in love with me, Harry Styles. - Lou xx’

And that's exactly what he did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there's any mistakes it's currently 1am but I can't seem to stop writing.i had trouble with the tenses so may not be quite right. Xxx


	7. Chapter 7

Smashed  
(adj.) very drunk

 

"Louis, it's been a month! He's not coming back." His best mate Zayn says gently.  
Louis looks up from his phone where he had being sending message after message to "him". Louis didn't like to say his name anymore, if he says it it makes it real, it means that he did leave him and he's not ready to accept that yet. The messages all came up on his screen with red crosses next to them. He had changed his number or blocked Louis'. Tears prick the corner of Louis' eyes as he takes in what Zayn says. He shuts his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose, remembering the promise he made himself. Zayn stays silent, watching Louis with concern.  
"Sorry mate" he says and pats Louis' back.  
Louis opens his eyes and runs his hand through his hair, which really needs cutting but that means leaving the flat for 30 minutes more than he had to and that means he won't be here if Harry comes back.  
"I'm worried about you, Lou" Zayn says In his gravely, accented voice. Louis cringes at his nickname as it brings back the flashback of Harry speaking it, the way that only he could.  
"I can't do this Lou"  
Louis shakes himself out of it and gives Zayn a forced smile which probably looks something like a grimace.  
"I'm fine Zayn, don't worry about me." He says with false enthusiasm. Zayn doesn't look convinced.  
"Will you come out with me tonight? We can call Liam, go get some drinks, have fun?" Zayn asks for the third time today.  
"Zayn, I don't kn-"  
"Come on Louis! I'm not taking no for an answer! You haven't left the flat in a whole month!" He says exasperated.  
Louis looks down at his hands. He can't leave, what if he comes back? Besides that's not exactly true. He's been to get some food from the corner shop a couple of times, plus he had been to work three days a week.  
Louis is shaken out of his thoughts by Zayn's voice.  
"Liam! You free tonight? Wanna take Louis out?......Yeah he's still moping around....it's been hard on him....please?.....ok....thanks....come to Louis' yeah?....ok see ya"  
Louis glares at Zayn as he hangs up his phone.  
"Get in the shower Louis" Zayn says smiling.  
Louis is about to protest but Zayn shoves him towards the bathroom and Louis doesn't have the strength to fight back anymore. He shuffles to the bathroom where he strips and gets in the shower. Once he's clean he pulls on some skinny jeans which he hasn't worn in weeks and he instantly misses the comfort of his sweats. He puts on the first t-shirt he finds which isn't dirty (he needs to do the laundry) and it happens to be a white one with navy stripes. The memory that comes from looking at the shirt pains him but he doesn't take it off. If he's being forced into going out he might as well drink. It might make him forget for a while. When he's managed to blow dry his now longish hair into a sort of style, he is greeted by Zayn and Liam. Liam pulls him into a hug which is a little too tight but makes Louis feel a little better.

They take Louis to his local down the street. The walk is short but Louis doesn't feel like talking so they walk in silence, Louis walks a little bit behind Zayn and Liam. Zayn turns around and Louis smiles but he feels like he's dying, trying not to drag his feet. When they get there Liam gets the bar tenders attention and orders them all something strong. Louis doesn't care what it is and downs it, earning a cheer from Zayn and a pat on the back from Liam.  
They tell Louis that a few drinks will help him to forget "him". Louis doesn’t often find himself in this state of mind. Usually he and Liam are the ones who stay at least somewhat sober, but it’s just one of those days where Louis finds himself taking whatever drink is shoved his way, downing them one after another. He doesn’t want to be buzzed or even somewhat drunk. No, he wants to be so smashed that he can’t even remember what his name is. He wants to be at the point where he wakes up ten hours later and is still having trouble placing the simplest thoughts.  
"I think you should stop." Liam warns from somewhere behind him. Louis’s too lazy to turn around to face him and the bartender leans forward, pressing another glass into his hand. He just chuckles and downs it in one swift movement, letting the alcohol burn his throat and intoxicate him to the very core of his being.  
"Don't want to." Louis finally slurs back. Liam sighs and walks off towards Zayn.  
The rest of the night goes by in a blur. He drinks to forget Harry's name but ends up forgetting his own first. 

A while later Louis' mind starts racing and he gets up and stumbles out of the door. One of the boys starts calling him, following behind, asking him what he's doing. They know what he's about to do, but Louis thinks that they can't see how this is going to end, they both think he's crazy but to him it's perfect sense. He doesn't know what he's doing but he's shouting and walking in the opposite direction to his house. Zayn and Liam are stopping him. They should be helping, after all they were his mates. But no His "mates" are there trying to calm him down but Louis doesn't listen, he's shouting "his" name all over town. He stops and smiles at them a crazy smile that Liam doesn't like the look of and he's swearing if he goes there now he will change "his" mind and turn it all around. Zayn's saying something trying to get him to stop shouting, telling him that it's a bad idea and that he shouldn't. Liam's trying to hold Louis still, trying to stop him from where he's going because "you're better than this." Louis's not having any of it and pulls himself out of Liam's grip, surprising himself at how he hasn't fallen yet.  
"I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words and he'll listen this even though they're slurred." He tells the boys who are still trying to stop him. He blocks them out and he stumbles there along the railings and the fences and he knows that if they're face to face then "he'll" come to his senses. Every drunk step he takes leads him to "his" door. Thinks that if "he" sees how much he's hurting, "he'll" come back for sure. He suddenly stops earning a "thank god" from Liam. Louis' hands are shaking and he realises that even if he does this, if he goes to Harry's, what are the chances of him coming back? He left. Liam and Zayn are talking to him trying to drag him back home but all he can hear is his pounding heart and as he pulls out his phone. So he dials "his" number and confesses to him, he's still in love but all he hears is nothing. There's not a sound coming through the other line. Nothing, nothing.

He finds himself in his bed hours later with no idea when and how he got there. His mind is all over the place, unable to hold onto a thought for longer than a few seconds but there's always one thought that keeps coming up. Louis sighs and sits up, his bedside lamp is on, giving the room a dim glow and on the floor beside his bed he finds his jeans folded with his phone on the top. On his bedside table is a glass of water and after letting the cool water slide down his throat he feels a little more sober and able to at least see straight. He finds two tablets placed also on the bedside table and smiles, he would bet his life on the fact that Liam did this for him, he takes them quickly, his head is fuzzy and he can feel a massive headache coming on. It's worth it he thinks, he managed to numb the pain, but his face appears in Louis memory and he turns the light off before sliding under his duvet. Even when he is out of his mind that face still appears. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly and curls himself into a ball. He tells himself it doesn't count, when he feels hot moisture prick the corners of his eyes and slowly trail down his cheek, because he's drunk. So this is what his life is like now. Without Harry. He had survived November, he could do this, it will be alright. Maybe letting himself forget how good it used to be will make it easier. But when Louis slept at night he dreamt of Harry, and even in his sleep he knew how good it used to be. How right it was, and no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can't stop yourself from dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and for the nice comments. This chapter was sort of inspired by a song I like. If you want to listen to it it's called 'Nothing' by the script. I know it isn't very good. I just wanted to get a chapter up quickly because the next few chapters are better I promise. Sorry if there's any mistakes, I've proof read but I may have missed something. Xx


	8. Chapter 8

Meraki  
(V.) to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put of yourself into your work.

Harry always knew there was something about Louis. Something a little bit mysterious, something hidden. Although Louis joked a lot, he was always very modest. When Harry told him this he had shook his head and had been a little offended. He had said that nobody likes modest. However Harry could not help but be taken aback when Louis had surprised him. 

They had gone away for a few weeks in the summer and there was a mix up with hotel rooms. Louis had been ready to complain but once they were shown into the master suite there was really no need. It was a big room with a wide flat screen tv, a fireplace, luxury sofas and a coffee table on a fluffy rug. Leading off of the living area was a door to a bedroom. A king size bed was in the centre of the room facing yet another flat screen, it had Egyptian cotton sheets and chocolates on the pillows. Off of the bedroom was an ensuit and a door leading out onto the balcony. On the other side of the room was a walk in wardrobe and another door which was locked. Harry had been in the pool for most of the day as it was far too hot to be doing anything else. Louis had gone up to the room just after lunch time moaning about a headache from the heat. Harry had sat on his own for a few hours before going to check on Louis. He swiped his room card and waited for the beep before entering. He sighed with relief as he walked in, Louis had the air con going and the slight breeze felt good on his clammy skin. A piano melody was coming from towards the bedroom and Harry smiled. Louis must have some music on. He strolled in to find him and frowned when the room was empty. The sound was coming from the locked room. Harry span around and the door was ajar. Confused he walked over and stood in the door frame, pushing the door open a bit more to see what was inside. He almost gasped out loud but he held it back, keeping quiet. A white grand piano occupied the room and sitting at it was Louis. His small fingers moved fluently along the keys, no mistakes being made at all. His eyes were shut and he moved slightly with the music, he was just completely lost in it. Harry was going to make a noise, let Louis know he was there but he was worried that he would stop. The melody changed into something he recognised, he didn't know it well but it was by a band that Louis liked. The fray was it called? Something like that. He only played that for a moment before the sound changed again and this time it started off quiet, slow. For some reason the notes hit Harry and he was amazed, he didn't recognise this song at all and the thought that Louis had written this sent him into a state of awe. It was when Louis started to sing that Harry's jaw dropped. The song seemed to have some kind of meaning and Harry knew Louis wasn't a bad singer but he didn't know he was good, more than good. Louis' voice was raw, bare. It showed his emotions and it broke on a few of the notes adding to the overall sound. There was no words that Harry could think of to describe it apart from it was beautiful. Louis Tomlinson was beautiful. He sung with such passion and love and it was all feeling, he was completely lost in the music. It was the lyrics that really stuck in Harry's head. He doesn't catch the beginning but he hangs on every word afterwards. 

And I know, you're gonna be away a while  
But I've got no plans at all to leave  
And would you take away my hopes and dreams?  
Just stay with me

All my senses come to life  
While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I  
Have ever been and I'll never leave again  
Cause you are the only one  
And all my friends have gone to find  
Another place to let their hearts collide  
Just promise me, you'll always be a friend  
Cause you are the only one

Take my hand and my  
Heart and soul, I will  
Only have these eyes for you  
And you know, everything changes but  
We'll be strangers if, we see this through  
You could stay within these walls and bleed  
But just stay with me

All my senses come to life  
While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I  
Have ever been and I'll never leave again  
Cause you are the only one  
And all my friends have gone to find  
Another place to let their hearts collide  
Just promise me, you'll always be a friend  
Cause you are the only one

I'm stumbling half drunk, getting myself lost  
I am so gone, so tell me the way home  
I listen to sad songs, singing about love  
And where it goes wrong

All my senses come to life  
While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I  
Have ever been and I'll never leave again  
Cause you are the only one  
And all my friends have gone to find  
Another place to let their hearts collide  
Just promise me, you'll always be a friend  
Cause you are the only one

Harry was mesmerised by Louis' face, this was his life, music was such a big part of his life but he kept it a secret. It struck home with Harry. When the song finished Harry was shaking and Louis played the final chord which rung through the air.  
Once Louis opens his eyes he jumps a little at the sight of Harry leaning against the doorframe, staring at him with a strange look on his face.  
Louis cocks his head to the side, raising an eyebrow at him.  
"Sorry" Harry mumbles shaking himself out of his shocked state.  
Louis shakes his head.  
"I was gonna tell you, it just.." He waves his hand in the direction of the piano "it never came up" Louis finishes.  
Harry is speechless he just doesn't know what to say. He needs to say something but his mouth will not form any words.  
Louis looks at his lap uncomfortable under Harry's intense gaze.  
"Louis" Harry finally says his voice laced with awe.  
"You like it?" Louis asks.  
Harry doesn't have the words to tell Louis how much he loved it so he walks over to him and sits next to him on the stool. There isn't much room so Louis sifts and sits on one of Harry's legs. Harry's wraps his arms around him and as Louis turns to face him Harry crashes his lips against Louis. Louis whimpers and Harry doesn't think Louis could get any more perfect.  
When they pull away Louis grins.  
"Beautiful Lou, amazing." Is all Harry could say, breathless. It's not enough but it's all he can say. Louis blushes.  
"It's not finished, I need to change a few things, made a few slip ups" Louis says quietly.  
"You wrote it?" Harry asks and once he gets a nod from Louis his heart swells.  
"Don't change anything, it's perfect. I'm speechless" Harry says honestly. Louis gives Harry a peck on the lips as a thank you before turning back around to face the piano. His bum is boney but Harry doesn't care. Louis begins to play something again but Harry can't concentrate anymore, Louis is so close and Harry is almost bursting with proud because of how talented Louis is. He leans his head on Louis' shoulder, pressing his chest into Louis' back. Louis' breath hitches but his fingers don't falter. Harry breathes out and a smile slips onto Louis' face, it tickled his neck. He's trying his hardest to ignore Harry. Harry turns his head and moves even closer, he gently presses his lips to Louis' neck and Louis plays a wrong note but continues anyway. Harry kisses him again, nuzzling into the softness of his neck. Louis squirms but still keeps his cool.  
"Lou" Harry whispers against Louis' skin and Harry feels a shiver run through Louis' body. Harry smirks. However Louis' fingers don't stop moving. It's a simple tune and Harry feels as if he should know it but at the moment he is too distracted. Harry's game isn't working so he tries harder to get Louis to stop playing. It's not that he wants him to stop, he just wants Louis. Harry places one of his hands on one of Louis' biceps and lightly trails his finger along the edges of one of his tattoos, poking out from the sleeve of his white and navy stripy t-shirt. This doesn't seem to affect Louis at all so Harry sits up, taking his head off of Louis' shoulder and places both of his hands on each shoulder. At first he rubs them gently giving him a gentle massage, he then moves down slightly, rubbing small circles on the top of Louis' back with his thumbs. He moves lower, feeling Louis' ribs beneath his skin, he rubs Louis' lower back and notices that Louis' breathing changes, it's slower now and he is taking longer breaths. Harry stops rubbing and just rests his hands where they are on Louis' back. This song seems to be lasting a long time and Harry doesn't know if he wants it to last forever or hurry up so he can have all of Louis' attention. Louis doesn't seem to be anywhere near finished so Harry takes matters into his own hands. He ghosts his hands to Louis' sides and gently digs his fingers in. Louis jumps away from Harry and let's out a laugh. His fingers slip and he presses a lot of wrong keys at the same time. He turns to face Harry.  
"Oi, You can't tickle me whilst I'm playing piano!" He says in fake outrage.  
"Oh yeah?" Harry ask a mischievous grin on his face and Louis holds his hands in front of his body to protect himself but it's no use. Harry's hands are big and he tickles any bit of Louis's body he can get to. Louis throws his head back unable to stop the giggles that sound in his throat. No matter how hard he tries to escape Harry's wriggling fingers, he can't. Something catches Harry's eye and he stops, one of Louis music sheets has His name written on it. Louis follows Harry's eyes and quickly jumps to the piece of paper, that Harry is looking at. He folds it and puts it Into his pocket.  
Harry frowns.  
"Hey! Can't I see?" Harry asks. Louis shakes his head embarrassed.  
"It's not finished yet and it's just an idea I might just scrap it anyway" Louis mumbles and Harry isn't even listening to what Louis is saying, he's just too god damn adorable.  
Harry surprises Louis by putting his hands around Louis waist and lifting him off his knee and onto the piano. It makes an awful sound and Louis' eyes widen. Harry then stands.  
"Haz you can't do-" Louis starts but is stopped by Harry's lips against his. The kiss is needy but there's a trace of something else there. Something Louis doesn't recognise. Harry cups Louis' cheek with his hand and Louis wraps his legs around Harry's waist pulling him closer. Louis hands tangle in Harry's hair and Harry moans. They both pull away for air but Louis' lips don't stop moving they just travel down Harry's jaw and down his neck.  
"Oh Louis" he whimpers and he almost adds I Love you. He freezes then. And Louis stops kissing his skin.  
"What?" He asks. Harry's waiting for that part of his brain that tells him to stop, to leave, to get away because this all too much. Nothing comes and all that runs through his head is LouisLouisLouis. So what? He thinks. I'm in love with Louis. Haven't I always been?  
"Nothing" Harry murmurs and then they're kissing again. 

He never did find out what was on that piece of paper.


	9. Chapter 9

Louis hasn't slept for 3 days now. He lays in his bed which is way to cold and empty to be even the slightest bit comfortable and stares at the ceiling waiting for sleep to come. It never arrives and Louis can't force it no matter what he does. On the fourth night he's exhausted, way past overtired and is so very emotional because of it. It's the slightest things that change his mood. One minutes he's ok, getting back to normal and then he snaps and he's angry or he's about to cry. He hates it and knows he needs sleep but he can't. Especially when he's laying down looking at the space next to him where another body should be laying. He should be enveloped in lanky limbs and pressed up tightly against a tattooed and muscular chest. But he's not. He knows it's late, basically the next day when he tosses and turns and something catches his eye. There's a small hole in the plasterboard which was covered up by a photo frame. Louis had made sure to take away all of the photos, he can't even look at them, he had however, forgotten that that specific photo had been hiding something. It knocks the breath out of him as he remembers what happened.  
It was their first ever fight, they'd been arguing over something so stupid that Louis cannot even remember what it was. He's so stubborn but usually Harry gave in or let it go because it wasn't worth it. Not this time though, Harry was insisting that he was right and was not backing down. This infuriated Louis and he had shouted a string of curses along with a sentence that got to Harry.  
"If you loved me you'd let this go." He had said. Harry had stopped his furious pacing, frozen on the spot. He had turned to face Louis with this look on his face that Louis had never seen before and he knew he had gone too far. Harry then walked towards the door of their bedroom with long strides and before he opened the door he punched the plasterboard instantly making a fist sized hole in the wall. He yelped and pulled back his hand, tears in his eyes. Louis had instantly rushed over to him and gripped his arm. His hand was bleeding and didn't look very pretty.  
"I'm sorry," He whimpered. "I didn't mean-"  
"Shhh no, I'm sorry." Louis said and dragged him to the bathroom. He had pushed Harry down onto the toilet. Harry gripped his fist with the other hand and groaned. Louis got a towel wet and knelt in front of him. He gently took Harry's bleeding hand and dabbed at it. Harry winced.  
"Sorry." Louis mumbled. Harry bit his lip and watched as Louis got his fist clean. Two of his knuckles were split open. It was quiet for them, the silence talking for them.  
"M'just gonna get the first aid kit." Louis said quietly, leaving the bathroom. He came back to Harry looking at the floor, his eyes very watery. He looked up at Louis and a tear falls down his face.  
"Haz," Louis said, gently moving back over to him. "Does it hurt?" He asks taking his hand back into his own.  
"A little." He whispers. Louis gently wraps up Harry's hand with a bandage.  
"I'm sorry, Lou, I'm sorry." Harry repeats and Louis looks up to see Harry's sad eyes watching him.  
"It's ok, I went too far, I'm sorry." Louis says, putting a bit of tape on to hold the bandage on.  
"I shouldn't, I've never been that angry, I don't ever wanna be like that." He said and Louis reaches over and kisses his forehead. Harry always does the right thing, he makes sure every one is happy even when he wasn't. This really wasn't like him.  
"C'mon, stand up." Harry stands up from the toilet seat and Louis does his best to wrap his arms around Harry and curses that he was quite a lot smaller as he can't hold him the way he wants to. Harry breathes deeply and his arms go around Louis, pressing him closer to his chest. Louis leads him back to the bedroom and helps him step out of his jeans before striping himself. Harry was sitting on the bed cross legged by the time Louis has finished and Louis sits in his crossed legs, facing him. He had cupped Harry's cheek and wiped away his tear with his thumb. Harry leant his head on Louis shoulder and Louis hugs him again, in this position he could hold him better, closer. After staying like that for a few minutes, until Louis was sure Harry had calmed down, Louis smirked.  
"Hey Haz?" He says, quietly. Harry had lifted his head, one eyebrow raised.  
"What did the fish say when he hit the wall?" Harry shrugs the corners of his lips twitching slightly.  
"Dam." Louis smiles. And Harry couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips.  
"Stop stealing my jokes, Tomlinson." He said.  
When they woke up the next morning and saw the hole in the wall, for some reason it was hilarious and they decided to cover it with the photo frame. 

Louis looks away from the hole and gasps for breath turning over once again, why can't he breathe? He bites his lip hard, drawing blood but he can't even feel the pain, his chest is in absolute agony and it numbs everything else. He sits up and whimpers laying back down, he's bent over double in the pain and he didn't ever think an emotion could hurt him so physically. He gets frantic because every time he breathes out he has to breathe in twice as hard to try not to suffocate. He shoves his hand in front of his mouth and screams, his hand barely muffles it. He feels it in his throat and his eyes blur, he holds his breath and grabs his stomach because he can't cry, he mustn't cry. His eyes frantically search the room, looking for anything that will stop this pain. He finds his phone under the covers and grips it firmly. He pulls up his contacts and scrolls. Who should he call? His mother comes up first and he scrolls past it, she'll worry too much, ask him questions, Harry is next and he grabs at his chest where his heart is because it feels like it's being torn apart. He manages to keep on scrolling past Liam because he would freak out and ends up with Zayn, Zayn it is. He presses the number and holds the phone to his ear before turning over again and pressing his phone between his pillow and his ear. Zayn takes a long time to answer and each ring causes Louis to burn more inside. After about 10 rings Zayn picks up and his voice is slow, raspy and a little irritated.  
"Louis is 3 in the fucking morning." He grumbles, not angrily just a little frustrated, and Louis breathes in sharply.  
"Zayn" he chokes out and there's the sound of something ruffling before the line is clear and Zayn speaks. Louis guesses that he had sat up in bed.  
"Lou, what's happened?" He asks concerned. Louis' head clears with Zayn's voice but his chest is still heaving for breath.  
"Help me, please," Louis starts before he falls into silence wondering when his voice changed because he doesn't even sound like himself. His voice is broken, dry and so small. "Talk to me or something." He continues, barely getting the words out.  
"About what? Are you hurt? Do you want me to come over?" Zayn's says, hearing Louis quick breaths and his questions do nothing to help Louis' state.  
"No....just Zayn, please." He begs and his voice breaks on 'please.'  
"Louis, I don't understand. What happened?" Zayn says confused.  
"Zayn please! Just fix it, help me." Louis says louder and it's almost a whimper. Zayn still doesn't understand but tries to calm Louis down.  
"Hey, Shh, it's ok, your gonna be alright, just breathe yeah?" He says and Louis tries, he really does but he just can't. Tears sting his eyes but he doesn't let them fall.  
"Zayn, distract me." Louis says quietly. Zayn knows Louis is hurting but how was he supposed to help him, Harry normally fixed him when he was upset. And then it clicks, Louis wants a distraction from Harry. Perrie stirs beside Zayn and lifts herself up on one elbow, a confused expression on her face.  
"Please?" Louis' broken cry comes through the phone again and Zayn and Perrie share a worried look.  
"Ok Lou, shut your eyes," Zayn mumbles and Louis does as he's told. He's tired, so tired but he just can't sleep, not like this anyway. Zayn pauses and shrugs at Perrie. 'Sing to him' she mouths and Zayn's eyes widen before he nods and does just that. "When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?" Zayn's voice is soft and gravely and Louis really doesn't know why he hasn't done anything with it because he is good, so good. Louis recognises the song, who doesn't know that song? He doesn't listen to the words though, they're too close to what he is feeling. Instead he lets Zayn's melodic voice calm him. It begins to work and he can breathe again. He still hurts a little, there's a dull ache but it's bearable now.  
"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you. And high up above or down below, when you're too in love to let it go. But if you never try you'll never know, just what you're worth. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you." Zayn trails off, almost dosing off himself.  
"Lou?" He says gently, quietly. There's silence down the phone apart from Louis soft, uneven breaths and Zayn takes that as sign he is asleep.  
"Night." He says quietly before hanging up. He sighs and puts his phone on the bedside table before laying back down next to Perrie.  
"What am I gonna do?" He says in despair, he hates seeing Louis like that. Perrie pulls him close and kisses his forehead.  
"They'll work it out, he'll be ok." She says and Zayn nods before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this really isn't the best. It gets better I promise xx


	10. Chapter 10

Dormiveglia  
(n.) the space that stretches between sleeping and waking

Harry leaned in to look at Louis, to study him, but Louis weakly pushed him away. "Stop. I don’t want to get you sick," he mumbled as he closed his eyes, biting back a cough. "God, I sound horrid" he mumbled.  
"A bit, but the raspiness suits," Harry responded."You sound downright lovely with your rasp."  
"Downright lovely?" Louis mumbled. "Don’t you mean sexy?" He weakly grinned and wiggled his eyebrows before another cough stopped him in his tracks.  
"Ugh," he managed once he stopped coughing. "I may sound lovely but I feel horrid, Harry."  
"I know," Harry responded softly as he rested his palm on Louis’s forehead. "I wish I could make you feel better."  
Louis responded in a low voice, not making much sense as he leaned into Harry’s touch.  
"Is there anything else I can do for you?" Harry asks.  
"Yes," Louis replied before he paused and shook his head. "No."  
"Which is it?" Harry asked with a soft laugh."Yes I can or no I can’t?"  
Louis didn’t respond and Harry frowned.  
"Louis?"  
Louis opened his eyes and he looked at Harry.  
"I want you to hold me," he whispered. "But I don’t want to get you sick." He coughed again before shifting away from Harry’s touch as to not pressure his decision.  
"The last thing I want is to be the reason you’re sick, Hazza."  
"Eh," Harry replied. "If I get sick, you can take care of me," he said before he sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around Louis as he pulled him into a gentle hug.  
Louis chuckled softly as he pressed his face into Harry’s neck, completely relaxing into his grip as he did so.  
"That’s not the proper way to go about thinking, Harry. And besides, you’re the better caretaker. I can’t cook and I can barely do the rest of all of that right."  
"Oh god," Harry replied as he laughed. "You’ll just constantly bring me tea and offer to order takeaway. The flat will be in shambles by the time I’m better." Louis laughed into Harry’s neck before he started to cough again, trying to pull away so that he didn’t cough on Harry and make him ill. Harry kept him locked in his arms, refusing to let Louis move until the coughing subsided.  
"Sorry," Louis mumbled as he rested his head on Harry’s shoulder again."But in my defence you wouldn’t let me go so I had no choice but to cough on you."  
"I didn’t want to let you go," Harry responded softly as he used an arm to pull Louis closer, simultaneously smoothing down his hair as he smiled.  
"I don’t mind your germs, Louis."  
A moment of silence nestled between the two of them before Louis shifted and looked at Harry, smiling quietly as he did so.  
"We are so domestic, you know that right?"  
"Of course," Harry responded before he smiled. A flash of panic registered in his brain but he ignored it."Just the way it should be."  
Louis pressed his face into Harry’s neck and mumbled something about being tired, leaving Harry to chuckle softly.  
"Go on and sleep, then," he told him as he lightly rubbed his back. "I’ve got nowhere to be."  
Louis was asleep before Harry had even finished speaking and as he held Louis, listening to his raspy breaths, Harry realises that he had fallen hard for this boy. He watches Louis' eyes flit about under his eyelids as he dreams and watches how his long eyelashes rest against his cheek. He marvels in the beauty that is Louis Tomlinson before the image is torn from his eyes as he blinks awake. 

He stumbles out of bed and finds his way to his mums kitchen. He had gone to stay with his mum for a while, just in case Louis went to Harry's to find him. Harry knows this is only part of the reason. He also knows that if he stayed where we was, close to Louis, he wouldn't be able to stay away. At least this way he is an hours drive from Louis. When he turned up at her door, without Louis, his mum had given him a concerned look before letting him stay, no questions asked. It just had to be Harry's luck that when he finally finds the kitchen, his eyes adjusting to the darkness, that his mum is sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of tea. Another thing that stabs at his heart. It's just tea, he tells himself and sits down next to her.  
"Harry, are you alright?" His mum asks worriedly.  
"Yeah, yeah. Just a dream" he waves her off, getting up to pour himself a glass of water before sitting back down.  
"A bad dream?" She asks.  
Harry shakes his head, a sad smile plays at his lips.  
"No, a good one." He whispers.  
His mum stares at him until he begins to get uncomfortable, before she finally speaks.  
"Then why are you crying?" She asks gently, cupping his cheek with one of her warm hands. He jerks his head back in surprise. He wasn't crying. Was he? Harry swipes his face with the sleeve of his long sleeve t-shirt he had pulled on.  
His mum turns in her chair and pulls Harry into a hug which does absolutely nothing to make him feel better.  
"I just miss Louis" he says quietly.  
"I have to ask you this because I love you ok? Where is he?" She says playing with his curls whilst his head stays on her shoulder.  
He pulls back from her embrace and runs a hand through his hair.  
"I....I err........I left him" he mumbles.  
"Oh Harry" she breathes and he doesn't look up because he knows the look that she has on her face. A mixture of pity, understanding, disappointment and worry. He can't stand that look.  
"I don't know what it was that made you like this. I don't know if you watched something when you were younger or read something or......I really don't know but all I do know if that you can't be scared of love. You shouldn't be scared of love." She says gently taking one of his hands and squeezing it.  
Harry already knows what has made him so afraid of love but he won't tell her, he can't tell her. He knows he shouldn't be scared but he is, he's absolutely terrified of love.  
"When you get it right, love is the best thing in the world. You've just got to let yourself fall." His mum continues and Harry looks up at her. She isn't looking at him though, he follows her eyes to the fridge and -oh that's what she's looking at. A picture of his sister Gemma, him, his mum and his step dad Robin. He sighs. That's the problem, he isn't afraid of falling, he thinks he already has, how can you not fall in love with that boy from Doncaster? He fell for Louis the day they met when he was all curls and dimples and Louis was dressed in stripes and braces, but no that's not what's wrong. He's afraid that Louis won't be there to catch him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos. It means a lot xx


	11. Chapter 11

He doesn't know how he got here, standing in front if the mirror, leaning on the sink, a finger gently tracing his lips. His lips are rough, chapped from the cold but his fingers soft, however, not as soft as Harry's lips. And Louis gasps as the memory is so clear in his mind, he can almost feel lips press against his own. 

The morning he found the note was the day Harry spent on the phone to his sister, trying to be subtle but trying to get as much information about Louis as he could. Gemma wasn't fooled and once Harry had hung up he got a text containing just a number. He knew what it was yet he spent the whole of three days ignoring it. He would pull put his phone, look at the number and his thumb would waver over the call button before he would back out and out his phone away. What was he going to say "Hey it's me, Harry, the one from the party. I can't stop thinking about you." He'd sound like a creep plus he sounds desperate and for all he knew Louis was straight. He's memorised the number by the end of three days and decided against it. Instead he visits the coffee bar in his lunch break. He doesn't know how he hadn't noticed Louis in there before because Louis, even when his face is scrunched up with concentration, is beautiful. Harry sits on a stool and waits for Louis to turn around. The shock is clear on his face when he does and Harry grins.  
"I've heard that Hot chocolates in here are extremely good because a certain person makes them." Harry says and Louis smiles.  
"You heard right, coming right up Styles." Louis says turning back around to work the machine.  
He makes sure to add cream, marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles before placing it down in front of Harry. Harry grins in thanks and Louis leans on the table, watching as Harry takes a sip, getting cream on his nose. Louis raises an eyebrow.  
"So?"  
"Hmmm.....I've had worse." Harry smiles and Louis hits him with a tea towel.  
"I know for a fact that that's the best hot chocolate you've ever had." Louis says and Harry's dimples pop in his cheeks, he adjusts his hair before he speaks.  
"Oh yeah? Because I'm sure I've had better." He says cheekily.  
Louis pouts before spinning Harry's cup round.  
"Let me taste it then." He says before drinking out of the cup.  
He puts it down, licking his lips and frowns.  
"There's something wrong with you, because that's delicious." Louis says.  
"Let me try again." Harry says and takes another sip. He was surprised that Louis drank out of his mug but he doesn't care, he likes Louis.  
"Ok you're right, best hot chocolate I've ever tasted." He agrees and Louis smiles.  
"Told you." Louis says before standing up straight.  
"I've got to get back to work." He says patting Harry on the head. Harry fixes his hair again before giving Louis a small wave. Louis smiles before turning around.  
"Oh and Harry? You've got cream on your nose." He calls over his shoulder. Harry blushes and wipes his nose with his sleeve. Before he leaves he writes his number on a piece of paper and slips in under his empty cup along with some money. Louis texts him later that day.

From Unknown Number  
Same time tomorrow?  
L xx

To unknown number  
Only if you make me hot chocolate with extra cream ;) I'm saving your number, are you a silent "s" kinda Louis or an "ie" Louie?  
H xx

From Unknown number  
Not making any promises. It's Louis you idiot  
L xx

To Louis  
Should have known you were a silent "s" type, you make good hot chocolate.  
H xx

From Louis  
You do talk some shit  
L xx

To Louis  
Thank you :) see you tomorrow  
H xx

 

It'd been just a year after that first time they met at that party, a year since the note and a year since the first hot chocolate. Harry spent every lunch break with Louis in the coffee bar and they were inseparable, a little weird if you asked the woman that lived next door to Louis, they were too close to be just friends. But that's what they were, friends. Neither questioned their relationship because that was just how it was, there was no boundaries, it was just LouisandHarry and they didn't talk about it. They had been sitting on Harry's bed, facing each other, cross legged, knees touching. Talking about something that Louis had lost concentration on the moment he began to watch Harry's lips. As he talked his tongue peeked out every so often to moisten them and once in a while he would pull his bottom lip between his teeth, thinking about what he was saying. Harry stops talking and when his lips stop Louis looks up to Harry's eyes. A question dances in them and Louis doesn't have the slightest idea of what he had just asked. Harry realises that Louis wasn't listening and looks at him quizzically. Louis gaze was intense, he had a sort of fire behind his eyes. It stops Harry from saying anything and they stay like that for what felt like hours but was only seconds, holding each other's eyes, speaking through them, green looking at blue. Harry licks his lips and It's as if by gravitational force that Louis' head tilts just that little distance and his lips meet Harry's. It doesn't count as a kiss, it's more of a brush of lips, a touch, before Louis pulls back. He'd been wanting to do that all day. Louis' eyes are open now, staring at the green eyed boy and his chest rises and falls rapidly. His eyes widen and Harry hears the sharp intake of breath. His hands go to his hair and tug frantically. 'It's ok' Harry tells him with his eyes because Louis is scared and Harry knows this because Louis is no good with feelings.  
"I don't........I can't..........it's not," And Harry doesn't move because he's scared one tiny movement will cause Louis to shut off. He knows that Louis has never been with a guy before which makes this so much more important. After the war in Louis' head has gone on for a few minutes too long, he breathes out.  
"Oh fuck it Harry." And suddenly his lips are pressed against Harry's and Harry grabs Louis holding him close because a kiss has never felt like this before and he does not want it to end. There's a fire between the two of them, a spark and Louis feels it too. Louis' hand grips onto Harry's shoulder as their lips move in sync and Harry lets out a little moan as Louis' other hand tangles in a Harrys hair, pulling it gently at the back of his neck. Before the kiss ends Harry cups one of Louis' cheeks because he needs him to know that this is ok. They pull away for breath, Louis' hands drop into his lap, and his eyes are shining, brighter than ever before and his lips are very red, a little swollen and it takes all of Harry's power not to kiss him again because he doesn't want to scare Louis off. He's still now, looking at Harry with uncertainty. Although he's not moving Harry can tell that inside, his mind is frantic. Harry looks at his hand which is still on Louis' cheek and he moves his thumb gently, feeling the soft skin beneath it. And then Louis is reaching up with his own hand and covering Harry's, leaning into the touch and Harry looks at him with eyes that say 'thank you.' Harry breaks the intense eye contact and smiles, grins, his dimples indenting both cheeks and Louis does the same, his lips tugging upwards at the corners so his teeth are visible. Harry turns his hand and threads his fingers through Louis', bringing their joined hands down to his knee because he so proud of Louis. Louis feels alight, on fire. For once in his life he feels free. 

He barely remembers that feeling, the lightness, everything feels so heavy, it aches. He drops his hand from his face and spins away from the mirror. God, he can't do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while, I went to see One Direction at Wembley so took a break. Another sort of filler chapter. It's really cheesy and fluffy sorry. Any feedback is much appreciated xx


	12. Chapter 12

Friable  
(Adj.) easily broken into pieces or reduced to nothing

Louis feels like something is different before he even wakes up. For starters he slept through the whole night, with no dreams that he can recall. He feels better than he has in a while and he gets out of bed almost tripping over Stripes as he walks towards the bathroom to have a shower. He comes back to a text from Niall, Harry's friend. He pockets his phone, ignoring the text. He's going to have a good day today. He blow dries his hair and styles it as best as he can with the longness of it all. After a long moment debating with himself, he decides he is going to leave the flat. He pulls on his coat and slips on his vans, going sock less as always, before he picks up his keys and leaves. Once outside, he shoves his hands deep into his pockets. It's cold but Louis doesn't mind. The cool winter wind feels nice in his hair and he feels refreshed. It makes his cheeks red and makes it harder to walk but Louis is glad he chose to walk rather than drive. He still misses Harry of course. When you miss someone every second of the day, it comes as steady as breathing, you learn to live with it and Louis does. He decides it's not something that's going to keep him from his life. Instead it follows him everywhere, every pavement slab, every inch of his flat, every run to tescos and every seat in the coffee bar. It rides with him in the passenger seat of his car, it waits for him in the bath. It's an ache, it's a shadow and it's his. He lives with it now. Sometimes it's enough to make him feel like he's not alone in his bed. Sometimes there are moments that hurt more. There are always little sharp edges for Louis to catch himself on. Sometimes it's just a song on the radio that he knows Harry likes or an advert for a movie that he knows Harry would be dying to see. Sometimes it's the weather when he wakes up in the morning or a boy with curly hair that comes into the coffee bar. One night whilst tiding his flat, it's the hoodie he finds shoved under the bed that smells faintly of him and he puts it on and sleeps In it. Sometimes these feel like relapses but today Louis feels good. He doesn't quite know where he is going but he's just happy to be outside. He ends up outside Starbucks and of course he goes in. He is greeted by warmness and a strong smell of coffee. He orders a salted caramel mocha to go and let's the hot cup warm his hands. Louis is distracted but his phone feels heavy in his pocket. It's playing In the back of his mind, why has Niall text him? He sips at his drink and carries on walking. He burns his tongue but he doesn't care, he needed a better distraction. After walking until his feet hurt, he stops and looks up. He can see a hairdressers down the road. He pulls out his phone, only checking the time. He's already been out for an hour, his sub conscience reminds him that Harry could come back. He looks at his reflection in the shop window nearest to him and sighs. He really does need a haircut though. He walks closer to the hairdressers before his curiosity gets the better of him. Louis would check his message from Niall and depending on what it said he would decide to have his hair cut or not. 

The message takes a few seconds to load and Louis is impatient, nervous even. 

Hey Louis?  
I really need your help and please don't say no! It's urgent, can you come over?  
Ni xx

Louis sighs, he'll get his haircut, Niall'll be fine. He texts him back 

Hey,  
Really Niall? I'm kind of busy, can it wait?  
Louis xx

Niall replies before Louis even has a chance to put his phone back in his pocket, let alone go into the shop.  
The reply is simple, just two words but they instantly startle him and before he knows what he's doing, he's in a taxi on the way to Niall's. 

The text read:  
It's Harry 

"Alright mate?" The driver asks shaking Louis out of his thoughts which were obviously thinking the worst that could have happened. 

Louis can't even bring himself to speak so he nods. He's there after what's feels like a much too long journey and his hearts in his throat as he presses the button to get into Niall's flat. Once the buzzer sounds and the door opens he sprints up the three flights of stairs which was a bad idea as now he can't breathe at all. He kicks on the door and Niall surprises him by opening it and shutting it behind him, stepping into the hall with Louis. Louis is panicked now and Niall must see it on his face as he pulls him into a tight hug for a welcome.  
"Louis I've missed you" Niall says in that familiar Irish accent that Louis could recognise in his sleep.  
"Niall, what's-" Louis starts to choke out but he's cut off.  
"He's not hurt or any thing, he's fine. Well he is hurt and he's not fine but it's nothing serious, but it kind of is." Niall rambles and it's don't nothing to calm Louis down. Louis steps back from Niall's much too long hug and takes a deep breath. Why has he rushed over here so quickly? Niall didn't say anything was wrong and all he mentioned was "his" name and Louis was there. He needs to stop this. Harry doesn't want him anymore.  
"Niall, why am I here?" He asks after he's thought things over.  
"It's Harry." He says his eyes darting to the door of his flat and back to Louis again.  
So he's in there, Louis thinks but stops immediately when he realises that he's only a few feet away and his breathing hitches.  
"It's like he's.....well he....I've tried everything....he's been like this all day....he won't sleep....won't eat.....I just don't know what to do anymore." Niall says his words jumbled and Louis doesn't really understand. Niall runs a hand through his blonde hair exasperated.  
"Niall I can't help you. I need to go." The rational part of Louis makes him say. He turns to walk back down the stairs, telling himself to get out if there before he does something stupid. Niall stops him.  
"No Louis you can't leave....please....just.......just let me open the door and you can see him and if you really want to go you can leave but just see him first. Please?" Niall says and he looks worried, Niall's never worried. Niall is the most carefree person that Louis knows.  
"He doesn't want to see me." Louis says quietly. He's battling between his heart and his mind and at the moment curiosity seems to be winning.  
"You know that's not true, would you just trust me Louis? He needs you, I need you" Niall says and Louis cannot help it. Half of him is screaming for him to get out of there because Harry left him not the other way round. The other half just wants to see Harry, needs to see Harry and also wants to know what Niall is going on about. He nods his head slightly and with that Niall is pulling out his keys and unlocking the door. 

Louis isn't prepared for what he sees once the door is open. The flat is a mess, smashed glass lay all over the floor, torn up paper is everywhere, Niall's furniture is broken, his sofa is flipped up the wrong way and in the corner where his eyes dart to next, is Harry. His hair has grown long, too long and it is sticking up in all angles, Louis guesses that it's because he had been tugging at it. He is sitting on the floor laptop balanced on his legs, sobbing uncontrollably.  
"I need him. I need him." He chokes out. His shoulders are shaking and his face is soaked and each broken cry that comes out of his mouth is a blow to Louis heart. Louis is frozen, he just cannot move. He feels Niall rush past him and kneel on the floor next to Harry's broken body and watches as Niall does his best to hold Harry in his arms. Harry's much bigger than Niall and Niall's arms only cover a bit of Harry's back. Niall's mumbling a string of words saying anything to try to stop Harry's sobbing but nothing seems to work.  
"What have I done? Niall, I need him." Harry says in between sobs and Louis lungs constrict because Harry's talking about him. He doesn't know how to feel. He's breaking for Harry who is whimpering but anger rises up in him too because if he needed him them why did he leave? Because the last time Louis checked he needed him to. Harry presses a button on his laptop and Louis eyes widen because Harry's hand is bleeding and he's also sitting on broken glass. His laptop screen changes and Louis can see it from here. It's the email he sent him.  
"I'm sorry Louis, I'm sorry." Harry says, looking at the screen. He hasn't even noticed Louis standing frozen in the doorway. Harry's words sink in and a quiet strangled noise comes from Louis' throat. He forces his body into action and races down the stairs. He only manages one flight before his knees buckle and he slides his back down the wall and sits with his knees brought to his chest. He squeezes his eyes shut because he plans on keeping that promise that he made himself. It's not long before Niall comes after him and Louis feels guilty because Harry needs Niall more than he does right now and Louis is trying hard to control himself because all he wants to do is hold the broken boy upstairs until he's fixed. Louis knows that he shouldn't be the one to fix this, Harry needs to fix this. And that's the only thing keeping him from running back up the steps. Well that and the fact that his lungs feel as if they're collapsing in on him. Niall easily lifts the boy, who is barely holding onto himself, into his arms and Louis can't help himself as he holds on tightly to Niall. Niall can feel Louis shaking and struggling for breath but he doesn't know what to do to make this any easier for him. For once, Niall is stuck for words because how do you fix this? They stay like that for a long moment until Louis can finally breathe properly.  
"Did he do that?" Louis says in a quiet voice, meaning the mess.  
"Yeah," Niall breathes. "I didn't know what to do. He just kept repeating your name over and over and then started destroying the place, I couldn't stop him. He was so angry at himself, telling himself it was all his fault and that he was a coward.  
Louis bites his lip because he doesn't know how to feel about that. Louis is just so glad for Niall because he was not at all upset or annoyed about his flat and was just distraught and worried about his best friend. Harry needed Niall.  
"I love him Niall." Louis chokes out and Niall sighs because he knows that already.  
"I know." He replies and holds Louis just that little bit tighter.  
When Louis doesn't say anything else Niall cannot keep quiet anymore.  
"Louis, do you mind if I ask? What happened between you? I mean, I know he left but I was really not expecting that. He leaves everyone but you've been together for longer than Harry had ever been with someone and I dunno I just saw something different between the two of you. Something special." Niall trails off and Louis blinks hard before he answers.  
"There was something special, there still is. I've never felt like this about anyone before and I don't know what to do. He's scared to love people, I know that but there's no way I can help him because every time I try it just makes my love for him stronger and it scares him away. I don't even know how I'm managing to stay down here, Niall, because all I want to do is go up and make everything better but I can't. If he wants to fix this he needs to do it himself." Louis says into Niall's shoulder and Niall nods because he completely understands. And although all he wants to do his help his best friend a little bit of anger rises in him because he's hurt Louis. Louis' never this vulnerable, Louis never talks about feelings but here he is holding back tears and shaking because of how broken Harry is.  
"He's been an arse Lou, but I can't just leave him. What do I do? Nothing seems to help him." Niall says, gently letting go of Louis. Louis sighs and runs his hand through his hair, a habit he had picked up from Harry. He still never got that haircut.  
"I'm going to go because I can't go up there. Listen, tidy up first get things back to normal because there's a load of glass and you could both hurt yourself. I saw Harry was bleeding, don't say anything, just clean up the blood and fix what ever he's hurt. Then hug him and don't let go because that's what he needs, even if he tries to push you away don't let go just hug him tight and play with his hair because that always calms him down. When he's calmer, make him some tea, he'll refuse and say he doesn't want it but tell him to drink it and it'll make him sleepy. Give him some paracetamol because he always has a bad headache after he's been crying. Get him into his boxer shorts and put him to bed and stay with him, hold him tight and don't let go, sing or whisper things to him because he won't be able to sleep otherwise and don't let go until he's asleep." By the time Louis finished he's struggling to hold back tears and Niall can tell so he gives him another hug, amazed at all the little details that Louis has picked up on about Harry and he murmurs a thanks as he pulls away.  
"I'm going to go sort him out." He says turning to walk back up the stairs. He stops halfway up and looks back at Louis.  
"Stay strong yeah? And don't be a stranger, your my friend too alright?" He asks and Louis nods. Niall looks satisfied and jogs up the remaining stairs.  
"Oh Niall!" Louis shouts before Niall disappears out of sight.  
Niall turns to look back over his shoulder.  
"Text me later?" He asks. What he's really asking is, let me know how Harry is and Niall knows just that.  
"Will do." Niall says and then he's gone.  
Louis takes a taxi back home and orders a pizza which eats very little of. He has a long bath but does nothing to relax him as it makes him think and he shouldn't think. He almost cries but he catches himself just in time because he isn't going to cry. He isn't. When he's dry and ready for bed he feels more lonely than ever and switches on his tv before sliding into the cool covers. There's nothing much on and it's only 9.00 PM but Louis exhausted, yet he can't sleep. He gets up to make a cup of tea and he really needs to stop checking his phone because Niall said he would text and Niall usually does what he says. He sighs and gets back into bed. A movie is on a Louis cannot remember what it is called but the main character has green eyes. They're not Harry's green but they still remind him of Harry nevertheless. Harry's eyes today were red rimmed and swollen and they were missing something, they had no life and were defeated. Louis shudders at the Image of him in his memory and his phone vibrates against his leg softly. He searches through the duvet until he finds his phone and is quick to unlock it. It's a text from Niall. 

Took a while but we got there. He's still keeps whimpering but at least he's stopped crying. Sorry about earlier it was a bad idea and thanks for the help.  
N xx

Underneath the message was a picture. Harry was curled up in bed asleep and pressed up to Niall's chest. A pang of jealously hit Louis before he gets a hold on himself. Harry's curls are messy and a bit wet and his forehead is screwed into a frown in his sleep. One of his hands is bandaged and his other hand lay on his own chest. He seemed to be holding his heart. Louis sends back a quick message of thanks to Niall and tells him to just text him if Harry gets bad again because as much as Harry hurt him he doesn't ever want to Harry hurt. Louis stares at the picture until he falls asleep because even in this broken state Louis thinks he is beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't proof read as it's almost 1am but I wanted to get this up so sorry for any mistakes xxx


	13. Chapter 13

Niall wakes up to an empty bed and an aching neck from sleeping in an odd position. He stretches before remembering last night and his eyes shoot open. He pulls the duvet off of himself and stumbles on wobbly legs to his living room. When it's empty he begins to panic before he hears a noise coming from the kitchen. Sighing with relief he shuffles to the kitchen to find Harry at the cooker his back to Niall.   
"Haz." Niall greets, his voice dry and deep with tiredness. His accent stronger than normal.   
Harry flinches before turning around with a smile on his face that doesn't meet his eyes. Dark rings are beneath them, and his green eyes are ringed with red and his hair is unruly but he's functioning.   
"G'morning," he mumbles in his morning voice before turning back around. "I'm making pancakes, you like pancakes right?," he whisks some sort of mixture before turning up the heat on a hob he has turned on.   
"Harry," Niall tries.  
"Of course you like pancakes you like everything. Don't think I've ever seen you turn down any piece of food." He pours the mixture into a pan.   
"Haz,"   
"You don't have much milk but it should be enough, it's not like I'm gonna eat a lot." He flips the pancake expertly.   
"Harry,"  
"I'm not that hungry but I bet you are, I made some coffee it's over there." He gestures to the side and tips the pancake on to a plate, sprinkling sugar on top before sliding it across the breakfast bar to Niall.   
Niall doesn't say anything. Instead he pours the boiled water into two mugs already containing milk and coffee and pushes one to Harry before sitting down and eating his pancake.   
"I haven't had pancakes in a while," he pours more mixture into the pan. "Last time I made them, me and Lou-" he cuts himself off, flipping his pancake. He coughs quietly before clearing his throat. "I burnt them." He finishes sliding his pancake onto a plate and turning off the heat.   
"You're quiet, does it taste ok? I'll buy you more milk later and some eggs because I used them all too." He leans against the side cutting up his pancake. Niall shoves the last of his into his mouth, chewing quickly.  
"Harry stop." Niall says and this time Harry does. He meets Niall's eyes for the first time this morning and instantly looks away, water stinging his eyes.   
"Are we just not gonna talk about it?" Niall asks gently and he wishes he didn't have to have this conversation with Harry because Niall didn't like things like this.  
Harry doesn't look up and eats a small mouthful of pancake off of his fork.   
"Are you alright?" He asks and Harry nods, chewing slowly. He swallows and looks up.  
"I make such an effort to be kind Ni, I go out of my way to make things easier for other people and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt people because if you hurt people then how are you a good person?" Niall doesn't know what to say so he bites his lip.   
"M'not hungry." Harry states and turns around, placing his plate into the sink. When he turns back tears are dancing in his eyes.   
"I'm hurting him, Niall. I'm hurting him." He says, looking at the floor. Niall gets off of his stool and takes Harry into his arms because it's true, he is. Harry sniffles and hugs back. He pulls back and gives a watery smile.   
"I'm ok," He says. "And I'm sorry, so sorry for your flat and for acting like that and for scaring you, I'll pay for everything I broke, I promise. I'm so sorry." He's pulled back into Niall's embrace and it's just what he needs.   
"You're not giving me anything and it's fine it's only a mirror really, everything else was fixable. You smashed all my bottles of beer but apart from that it's fine." Niall tries to lighten the situation and Harry gives a weak laugh.   
"Sorry." He mumbles again into Niall's neck and Niall squeezes him before letting go.   
"Everyone breaks Haz." He says and Harry thinks that that's the deepest sentence to ever come out of Niall's mouth.   
"Movie day?" Niall asks raising an eyebrow.   
Harry nods and Niall drags his duvet into the living room and they sit curled up on the sofa, Harry's head on Niall's chest. Niall puts on 'Love actually' even though he personally thinks it's the worst film in the world but Harry loves it so they're watching it. He runs his fingers through Harry's long hair whilst the film starts.  
"You need a hair cut." He states, lifting up a very long curl before letting it ping back to Harry's head. Harry nods in response.  
"Lou's in town, you know. Why don't you ring her?" Niall speaks not realising what he's saying. Lou is the only person who Harry trusts with his hair but Lou has this effect on him. They had known each other for years and just one look at him would cause Harry to spill out everything that had been bothering him. Lou is the only person, other than Niall and Louis who knows all his fears. He can't see Lou because he'll end up talking about Louis and at the moment he doesn't want to think about him let alone talk about him. The truth is this hurts, it's agony and it's his fault, he's been a coward yet again. But this time he's hurt the one person that he loves the most in the world. And that kills him because Louis trusted him, and he broke him, hurt him like Louis had always been afraid that someone would do. He broke the promise he made him because he swore he would never hurt him, Louis let him in and Harry destroyed him.   
"You don't have to I just thought that-"  
"Ok." Harry speaks thickly with no intention of doing so. He knows Niall's only worried about him and is trying to help and he really needs to stop being an arse to him. Harry tries to concentrate on the film, to keep his mind off of Louis words in that email which come off as strong and indifferent but Harry knows Louis like the back of his hand and knows the pain behind each sentence. Niall's even breathing and steady heartbeat was all it took before he was drifting off to sleep. 

He wakes up over an hour later to see credits rolling down the screen and Niall peacefully asleep next to him. He gently lifts Niall's arm off of his head and wiggles out of the duvet, careful not to wake him up. He looks around for his clothes and splashes water on his face. Niall's bathroom mirror is smashed but he's sure he looks terrible and his hair cannot look good. He finds one of Niall's beanies and stuffs it over his mess of hair before finding a pen and paper. 

Niall,   
I don't know what I did to deserve you but I love you so much. Thank you for putting up with my crapy life stuff and whatever that was last night. I'm so sorry. So so sorry and I'm going to buy you more beer and a mirror. Thanks for always being there, gotta go I need a shower and I've got work tomorrow.   
H xX

He hurries home needing to keep himself distracted. The minute he enters his empty flat he regrets it and wants to go back to Niall, it's too quiet, too empty, the loneliness reminds him of what he walked away from.


	14. Chapter 14

Louis isn't coping, how is he supposed to cope? Harry wasn't coping at all so if Harry was in that state then how the hell is Louis supposed to survive? He gets out of bed after a night of absolutely no sleep, tossing and turning from side to side. He's angry, heartbroken and frustrated. He pads to the bathroom and leans on the sink. Looking to the mirror, what he sees isn't him. This man, he was a stranger. His eyes had lost their shine, now dark, full of pain and sorrow the bags under them were noticeable from space, his sleepless nights are the blame for that. His skin is pale, hair is just a mess, and his lips are dry and lifeless. He thinks at some point yesterday he actually died. His soul has left his body and gone into the after life and he's stuck here with what little he has left of his brain, reminding him daily of his mistakes. He let Harry in, it's his own fault that he's hurt, he deserves this. He deserves it all...  
"Fuck!" He shouts, anger controlling his body. He balls his fist, connecting it with the mirror, smashing it into a million pieces, glass flying all over the bathroom. Pain shoots up his arm but it's a relief, his knuckles burn and he feels the hot wetness of blood form. His anger dissipates and the aching sadness returns, in a way the anger was better, made him feel strong. The sadness didn't, it was tiring, weak. He looks at the broken pieces on the floor that represent himself and sighs, two mirrors are broken now. It's ironic, he's been told before that him and Harry are mirrors. He sinks to the floor, clutching his throbbing, bleeding hand with his other. He lets out a strangled moan because his hand doesn't hurt even half as much as he does inside. He pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his head on top of them. Glass scrapes against the floor causing an awful scraping sound and both of Louis hands tug his hair trying desperately to stop the image of Harry sobbing on the floor, completely broken. The image won't disappear and the blood from his hand gets into his hair making it sticky. Louis draws in a deep breath before standing up. He shakily walks to the kitchen, getting out a big bowl and picks up the bigger parts of the glass, they clink in the bowl and Louis gets irritated at the noise. He cleans up the rest with a dust pan and brush before stripping and switching on the shower. His injured arm is a complete mess. The blood has run up his arm and has dried and his knuckles are busted open, sticky with blood. He cringes at the sight of it and hopes he didn't get the blood anywhere whilst he was cleaning up, he also hopes his hand isn't as bad as it looks. The shower is almost too hot, it burns his skin and makes him wince as the water stings his hand. Once the blood is gone it doesn't look too bad, one knuckle is worse than the rest and is stilling bleeding slowly but the others are just grazes. The shower does nothing to clear his head but it does stop his frustration, it disappears into the steam. Once he is out and dry, he pulls on one of Harry's jumpers, so what if it's a setback, and some sweats. He wraps up his knuckles and puts some ice in a tea towel before holding it to the wound, hoping to stop the swelling. It was beginning to hurt now and he bites back a sob, he was not going to cry. He finds his phone which has four unread messages and two missed calls from Zayn, two texts from Liam and one from his mum. He was ignoring Zayn because he knows Zayn would make him talk about his incident on the phone a few weeks ago. If he answered Liam then Zayn would find out so he decides to just open the one from his mum. As usual she's worried about him and wants him to go and see her soon. It'd been about two months since he had seen her and yeah he missed her but he didn't want to tell her about Harry. She adored the boy, well everyone does. He uses his good hand to text her back saying that he's fine and that he will come to see her soon and he remembers the promise Harry had made the last time he went to visit her. They'd both gone to stay for a week and the house was crowded and loud. Lottie had moved into Louis room the moment he moved out so that she didn't have to share with Fizzy and with the new set of twins the spare room was taken up too. Louis and Harry had ended up sleeping on the small futon in his step dad Dan's office. It was barely big enough to fit Harry's lanky body on it, let alone the both of them. Harry slept on his back and Louis slept on his front on Harry's chest the whole week with Harry's arms wrapped tightly around him so he didn't fall off. It was cramped but he must admit that was the best weeks sleep he had in his life, even though the babies kept waking him up. When they got back home they slept just as close even though they had much more bed space but it was nice like that, there's something about falling asleep to Harry's heartbeat, in Harry's arms, which made them feel somewhat closer. The day they left his mum's, two months ago, they had both received a thousand hugs and his mum was a little upset, over tired because of the twins, Doris woke whenever Earnest did and Earnest seemed to constantly cry.  
"Come back soon please, I miss you boys, we never get to see you." She had said bringing Harry in for the fifth time that morning.  
"We'll come back soon, I promise." Harry had said earning a squeeze from Louis mum and a hug from Lottie. Lottie adored Harry, fancied him a little but chatted to him like he was her best mate.  
As he sent the reply another text from Zayn comes through which pops up at the top of his screen,

Louis please. I'm worried, If you don't answer I'm goi.....

He sighs and opens the messages. All five are along the lines of "Louis I'm worried about you." Liam's says the exact same thing in a more tactile way. He closes the messages, not bothering to reply. He's surprised when he reads the date on his phone, it's been two months since Harry left, the months seem to have gone quickly but at the same time, achingly slowly. It was two weeks until his birthday, two weeks and a day until Christmas. He takes a deep breath and makes up his mind. He takes the ice off of his hand, which is still throbbing, and goes to the kitchen where he takes some painkillers. He then goes into his bedroom, taking off his sweats, leaving them on the floor with most of his clothes that need washing, and tugging on a pair of black skinny jeans. He can't bring himself to take off Harry's jumper but he puts on a T-shirt underneath it, it's cold outside. He puts his Parker on and looks at himself in his bedroom mirror. He looks worse than he did earlier. He doesn't look for too long but puts his hood up to hide his hair and steels himself. He is going to be strong, he's not going to break anymore. He needs to prepare for Christmas and carry on with his life because after all he had a life before he met Harry, well he thought he did.  
First he drives to Zayn's where he gets pulled into a comforting hug by Perrie, she doesn't say anything but the look on her face is one of sympathy, he hates that look so he avoids her eyes and greets her with fake enthusiasm. Zayn does the same but grips him tighter than Perrie as if if he squeezed him tight enough he would stick back together.  
"Zaynie I know you love me but I can't breathe." He says jokingly. See he could get his act together. Zayn gives him a concerned smile but doesn't say anything. He gets pulled inside where he is made to sit whilst Perrie makes them teas and coffees.  
"Why didn't you answer me you dick?" Zayn says, shoving Louis gently. Perrie "Zayn!"s him but Louis just smiles.  
"Sorry, been busy." Louis answers and he doesn't know how he's gonna get out of this one. Zayn gives him a pointed look and Louis looks down. Perrie places his tea in front of him and sits down with them at the kitchen table. Jesus this was like a family meeting.  
"Thanks Pezza." He says hoping the smile he gives her doesn't look too fake.  
"So how have you been? How's the art studio?" Louis asks Zayn. Zayn waves him off.  
"Fine, fine. Lou we need to talk." He says and it's quiet, as if if he says it too loud it will damage him. Louis groans, his effort at trying to not have this conversation in vain.  
"Zayn-"  
"No Louis, we're worried sick about you." he says sounding more like a father.  
"I'm fi-"  
"Don't you dare say you're fine because you're clearly not." Zayn deadpans. Louis squirms in his seat, feeling two pairs of eyes on him, god he hates these type of conversations. He feels a hand on top of his and looks up to find Perrie rubbing it gently with her thumb.  
"It's ok, I wasn't good the other night but I'm fine now, it was just a setback. It's kinda tough at the moment but I'll be ok." He says hoping that's the end of it.  
"But Lou you sounded so desperate, so sad, I was seconds away from driving over there until you fell asleep. You're not ok." Zayn says and Louis can hear the concern laced in his voice. He meets Zayn's eyes.  
"I loved him Zayn and he left and it fucking hurts but I'm trying. I know you're worried but I didn't know what else to do and I will be ok, I've got to be." Louis says honestly. And that seems to have done it, Zayn is shocked at his confession and is surprised Louis opened up at all. His eyes soften and he leans over to give Louis a hug. He would have had enough of hugs the last few days but he was kind of craving human contact.  
"Ok, just promise me you'll ring me rather than do something stupid ok, because I'll always be here for you." Zayn says pulling back from him.  
"Zayn I'm not going to do anything-"  
"Louis!"  
"Ok I promise." He sighs. Zayn nods and Louis rolls his eyes taking a sip of tea which is the best cup he's had since Harr-, in a long time. The phone rings and Zayn rushes out to get it. Louis opens his mouth but Perrie cuts him off.  
"Lou what have you done to your hand." She says shocked, lifting up his arm and examining the badly wrapped up hand. Damn, he thought the jumper would hide it, Harry was bigger-, it was too big for him, the sleeves were long. Louis pulls it out of her grasp.  
"Nothing, I.....er...fell." He finishes lamely. Perrie gives him a look that says "your full of bullshit" but she doesn't question him, thank god. She does however take his arm back and he lets her this time. She frowns at it.  
"Can I sort it out?" She asks. He looks at the messy bandage that has blood on it and nods.  
She gets up and pulls out a first aid kit from under the sink. She takes off Louis' bandage and dabs gently at the one knuckle that was spilt open with an antibacterial wipe. He winces and she squeezes his other hand gently. Once the blood is gone, she wraps up his hand expertly and it feels and looks much better than it did a moment ago.  
"Thanks." He says quietly.  
"Please be careful Lou." She answers, sitting back down.  
"Can you...do you think we could not mention this to him?" Louis asks and Perrie was going to tell him that Zayn can always tell when she's hiding something but the look in his eye makes her nod in sympathy.  
"Ok." She says.  
Zayn's walks back In as if on cue with his phone in his hand.  
"We're all going out." He announces. Louis doesn't like the sound of that, especially after what happened the last time they went out but he puts a fake smile on his face. He gets up and so does Perrie, following Zayn out into the hall.  
"Where to?" He asks.  
"Pizza Hut with Liam for lunch." He answers, putting his coat on and passing Perrie hers. Louis nods and Zayn gives him a reassuring smile. 

Lunch isn't too bad, Louis manages to smile when he should and laugh where appropriate. He avoids Liam's worried glances and joins in with the conversation but by the time he's eaten he's tired of the pretence already. He goes to the toilet where he splashes his face with water and gets a hold on himself. Once he feels strong again he joins the others. He needs to believe his own words from earlier. He will be ok, he has to be. He'll keep up pretences until he begins to feel like himself again, the only problem was that he wasn't Louis unless he was with Harry.  
When they decide to leave Louis gets a big hug off of everyone. Zayn's last and he holds him for a big longer than the rest.  
"Thank you." Louis tells him sincerely and he means it because he loves Zayn to pieces. Zayn just pats him on the back before letting him go.  
He decides to drive into lakeside to pick up a few Christmas presents and ends up buying his Mum's and sisters's presents along with Dans and Ernie's and he picks up something for Liam and Zayn but hesitates before he buys Niall a present. Other than that, he's managed to stay strong. He doesn't let himself think of "him" and he's doing ok, when he begins to slip and Harry's "I'm sorry Louis, I'm sorry." Comes to his mind he shakes his head. Harry's fine, this was his decision, "he" left Louis. He tells himself strongly. If anyone should be hurting it should be Louis and Louis really was hurting because To leave, after all, was not the same as being left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait I had a bit of a block! It's currently half 11 and I'm supposed to be in school in the morning but I seem to write best when I'm tired so here you go. I also have the dentist in the morning which I'm slightly worried about :/ anyway I'm going on about nothing. Thank you all for the kudos and comments they're lovely x


	15. Chapter 15

Toska  
(n.) a dull ache of the soul, a sick pining, a spiritual anguish

 

The first thing that comes to his mind when he sees the date is "it's Louis birthday in a week." Harry has been basically living with Niall who is being a better friend than he could ever ask for. He doesn't want to be alone. They're both out buying Christmas presents and Harry wants to go home because it's cold and it feels like it's going to snow. They're laden with bags and Niall can't seem to stop buying all of the food that the Christmas market has to offer. He sighs when Niall makes him stop again, this time to buy a mince pie and turns around looking at the stall behind him. His eyes widen and his feet have him walking towards it before he can stop himself. The table is filled with little glass jars of all colours but what amazes his him are the small bright lights coming from the jars. Moving closer he realises what they are. The jars contain fireflies. Each one captures a tiny bug holding a bright glow. At first he frowns, wasn't it the wrong time of year for fireflies. The colours of the jars meant that the light shone a different colour and it must admit, it was beautiful. Harry's chest tightens as one jar in particular catches his eye. His eyes find the woman behind the stall.   
"The idea is that you buy one with your partner and you find a spot together to release it." She says. His eyes flicker back down to the one jar in particular. The glass jar is a darkish blue meaning you couldn't see the bug at all but the bright light coming from it could be seen as clear as anything against the dark glass. It looked like a star in the nights sky.   
Before he even realises that he's moving, Harry is walking swiftly to where Niall had parked his car, the icy air whips his cheeks and he shuts his eyes trying to stop himself from thinking but you can't walk with your eyes shut so opens them, causing tears to fall down his cheek. 

If things were different, he wouldn't have left Louis, if he wasn't such a fucking coward he would have told Louis that he loved him too. If he wasn't such an idiot he would be shopping for a birthday present for Louis because he needed to give him something special. If he hadn't fucked up he would have picked up and bought that firefly. On the 24th December he would have waited until it was dark, almost midnight, almost Christmas and then he would have taken Louis out into the garden. Sat on a blanket on the frozen ground, bundled up in coats and scarves and hats and he would have given him the firefly because it's the closest thing to a star that he has ever seen and he once promised Louis that he'd catch him a star. Louis would look at the firefly with complete awe because he thought things like that were beautiful and then he'd look at Harry with this look on his face of adoration and wonder that made Harry want to kiss him. They'd wait till it was exactly 12.00, midnight, Christmas Day, and then release the firefly together because although Harry had given him a star, they don't belong on earth. 

When Niall finds him ten minutes later muttering a thank god because he didn't know where Harry had rushed off to, Harry is leaning against the car with his eyes shut.   
"Haz you alright?" He asks with his mouthful but his eyes full of concern. Harry nods opening his eyes.   
"Can you take me home please?" He asks and Niall nods putting the bags in the boot. Niall drops Harry at his flat checking that he was sure he would be ok on his own before leaving. Harry goes inside putting down his gifts. He has to speak to him, he can't not tell him Happy Birthday.  
***

It's times like this when Louis really should check who's calling him before he answers. After scrambling in the pocket of his almost too tight skinny jeans he finds the ringing phone and presses green before holding it to his ear.   
"Hello?" he answers. He doesn't get answer but instead an intake of breath and he freezes. Of course it would be him. Louis would be hanging up if he could think straight but that's just it, he can't think straight, one breath through the phone has got him frozen in place. Louis assumes that Harry is drunk. Harry never cries when he is sober and by the way his breaths come through the phone, shaky and uneven, with an occasional sniffle, Louis could tell he was crying. Even before he speaks.  
"I'm sorry," he chokes and Louis doesn't know how to respond, so stands, the phone in his hand, trying to pretend that he isn't shaking at the sound of Harry's voice in his ear.   
"I'm sorry Lou, I'm so sorry." But something isn't right. Harry's voice is clear, he isn't drunk but Harry never cries when he is sober so this, this is something.  
“No,” Louis responds and it’s quiet with just a hint of tentativeness but the anger’s what really gets through and he knows this by the way Harry’s breath hitches as he tries to choke back a sob.   
“You don’t get to do that anymore. You don’t get to call me by my nickname and try and make it sound like everything’s okay when we both know it’s not.” A deep breath comes through.  
"I-i miss you" Harry stutters and Louis almost forces himself to rip the phone away from his ear and end the call before he can hear the rest of this but he just can’t.   
"You left me, remember?" Louis says, his throat tightening because he remembered very well, even if Harry didn't. Harry should remember, this was his fault, all of it was his fault. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to keep the flashback of memories from coming forth because if they do then the tears that have been threating to fall, the tears that he’s yet to let win will appear and he can’t do that. If Louis knows anything he knows that the second he cries then the cracks will start to show and then he will break.   
"I left you, yeah," Harry manages and Louis keeps on listening although it hurts, waiting quietly for Harry to figure out what he’s trying to say and when he eventually does speak it’s so soft that Louis almost misses it."But I need you." And Louis can hear the need for him in his voice. It's desperate and it's broken, so broken. Louis takes a sharp intake of breath, Harry sobs and Louis finds himself having to reach out and grab hold of something to keep his knees from buckling at the sound. He wants to apologise even though it's not his apology that is needed, something completely different falls out of his mouth.  
"You hurt me. You really f-fucked me up." Louis stutters and he really cannot breathe.  
"I know...."Harry tries, breathing around his tears."I k-know and.... I'm so, so sorry." The phone slips away from Louis ear slightly, he almost drops it with how much his hands are shaking and he barely manages to put it on speaker before sliding down the wall, sitting on the floor. Harry continues  
"If I could go back...I-"  
"Stop," Louis cuts in because the world doesn't work like that, life doesn't work like that. You can't go back and change things or undo them. Harry left him and it will always be that way. The anger and betrayal burns his heart."Just stop, Harry." Louis whispers and it’s defeated, completely defeated to the point where he just can’t…he can’t anymore.   
"Don’t apologise. Don’t call me again. I don’t…I can’t…" He swallows. "I can’t love someone who doesn’t love me back." Louis breathes, barely holding it together. He means to end the call there but Harry’s full out sobbing on the other line and each one’s more broken than the last. Louis can hear the way that Harry’s falling apart. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Harry the way that Harry had hurt him. Louis squeezes his eyes shut.   
Harry would be curled up in a ball, the phone clutched in his hand so tightly that he’d end up breaking it if it weren’t for the fact that he’s barely holding on. Louis can almost see the tears running down Harry’s cheeks, his eyes rimmed with red as he tries to keep himself together but fails completely.  
Louis tries desperately to blink the image away but it's burned into his mind and it's there every time his eyes shut. He scrubs at his face to remove it as Harry chokes out  
“But I do…” through the phone and it’s broken, just like Louis is and he feels like the words are tearing apart what’s left of his heart.   
That's the first time Harry's has told him that and before Louis can't properly process the words, Harry sobs again before the line goes dead and Louis breaks at the sound of just how broken Harry sounded.  
Harry could've come back. They could’ve fixed this, made it all better. He knows this and it utterly destroys him.   
He doesn’t realise that he’s crumpled to the floor until his knee slams against the edge of the coffee table and he gasps in pain. He can feel the wetness starting to form at the corner of his eyes and Louis can’t breathe anymore because now he’s all alone. Louis cries, the tears slipping down his face silently at first until they turn into loud, aching sobs that make his chest ache until he’s coughing and choking because he can’t breathe.The blood’s rushing through his ears, as he chokes, hyperventilating in an attempt to just breathe. But all he can hear is Harry’s broken sobs and his even more shattered apologies repeating over and over, taunting and torturing him. Each tear feels like a relief and he just can't stop.

***

He's still in that position hours later, when someone knocks on his door. He tries to quieten his sobs and when his mum calls out a soft "Lou?" he knows he's doing an awful job. After waiting for a a few more minutes, his mum picks up the spare key from under the mat and let's herself in. Louis hides his face and desperately tries to stop his loud whimpering noises but as his mum walks in she sees him curled on the floor his whole body shaking as silent sobs wrack through his body. His mum instantly drops her bag and rushes over to her son, kneeling beside his quivering body and pushes his longish hair off of his face.   
"No, baby, what happened?" She asks gently. Louis never cries and when he does it's always when he's alone and in bed late at night so his pillow can quieten the noise. Alone. Why is he alone? Wheres Harry? She hadn't seen him cry since he was a toddler and he scraped his knee. Even when his step dad left she didn't see him cry, she heard him of course the night it happened. Quiet heartbreaking sobs that he didn't want anybody to hear. This was different, he was still trying to hide his face and hold back his broken moans but he just couldn't stop. She rubs his back and kisses his head. Louis tries to speak but the moment he opens his mouth another load sob comes out and his mum shakes her head. It finally clicks, Harry's not here and Louis is hurting.  
"Shhh baby, shhhh it's ok. I'm here." He says soothingly and it does nothing to calm him because she's not the person that he wants. His knee is throbbing and so is his head but he can't stop, he needs to stop but he can't. His mum tries to lift him up but he doesn't want her to see his face, doesn't want her to see him cry. She manages to get him into a sitting position and pulls him closer to her. He presses his head into her shoulder and she wraps her arms around him, rubbing soothing circles into his back and kissing the top of his head because she doesn't know what to say to him, doesn't know how to make him feel better. He eventually manages to hold back his cries and his tears begin to fall less frequently and his mum pulls him up off of the floor and onto a chair. He puts his arms on the table and lays his head on top of them whilst his mum makes what he can only guess as tea in silence. His chest jumps every now and then from the aftershocks of crying. Soon a hot mug is placed onto the table in front of him and he lifts his head and sips at his tea, hoping his eyes aren't as red as they feel. It instantly warms him but it's not quite right, not perfect like it is when Harry makes it. And then another tear is running down his face and he's still having trouble stopping his body from shaking but his mum is right there sitting bedside him and wiping his tear away with her thumb because "Lou, it's going to be ok." And Louis nods but seriously? Ok? He doesn't think he'll ever be ok again. He knows his mum is being patient, waiting for an explanation but his mind just keeps replaying Harry's "but I do..." Over and over and over again.   
They sit in silence until Louis' finished his tea and he's stopped shaking finally.   
"He left." He finally says and it's quiet and raw because his throat hurts and his head feels like it's splitting in two. He sniffs because he still cannot breathe and every time he does it's like something else breaks inside of him. His mum gives him a sympathetic look.   
"He'll come back." She says softly and Louis sighs and shakes his head because no. No he won't.   
"It's been 2 months." He croaks. His mum frowns. He looks down at his hands.  
"He....he errr...called and erm......I told him that I couldn't love," he swallows "...I couldn't love somebody who didn't love me back..." He pauses, deciding if he should tell her this or not and his mum is just so confused because couldn't Louis see it? Harry had always loved him it was so blinding obvious that they loved each other. "He said that he does and then hung up. He was crying." Louis finishes not looking up from his hands. More than crying, he was sobbing his heart out.   
"Of course he does." His mum says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Trust Louis to be upset because Harry was crying, she doesn't know where he got that selfless trait because it certainly wasn't from her.   
"Then why did he leave?" Louis says and he sounds so young, so vulnerable.  
"Listen honey, I don't know why he left but I do know that he loves you more than anything and you love him yeah?" She stops for confirmation. Louis nods and she continues. "If I know you both then you'll work this out because I have never known anyone to be as in love as you two." She says and it just hurts a little bit more because all Louis wants is him back but Harry has to want to come back, he can't force him.   
"I'm not going to go after him, he left me." Louis says, his stubbornness showing. His voice breaks on "me" and his mum sighs, her eyes holding the sadness she feels for her son.   
"I don't want you to go after him, but it hurts to see you hurt." She says. Louis stands on shaky legs and reaches into a cupboard he already couldn't think straight but this killer headache is pounding. He finds some paracetamol and pops them into his mouth before filling a glass from the tap and swallowing them down.   
"Come home for a bit Lou? Please? Just for a few days, clear your head, let me look after you. Spend your birthday and Christmas?" He's about to protest, doesn't want her to witness any other breakdowns he may have and certainly doesn't want to be bombarded with questions from the girls. The look his mums face tells him she's not going to accept a "no." So he nods.  
"Ok, but I don't wanna talk about it." He mumbles. His mum nods in understanding and pushes him towards his bedroom.   
"Go and pack then." He finds a bag and fills it with his presents for everyone, some clothes and his tooth brush, whilst in his wardrobe he stops, something catching his eye. At the back he finds a pink beanie. He grasps it, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. It shocked him that time Harry had walked into the coffee bar with it on his head, controlling his mess of curls but he had to admit it looked good on him. Louis had called him an attention seeker and they'd gone back to Louis that night. He scrubs his eyes and makes his way to the bathroom, pulling it over his tangled, much too long hair, it was a bit out there but at least his hair was presentable now. He couldn't say the same for his face. It was red and tired and his eyes were red along with his nose. He splashed some water on his face before drying it and slinging his bag over his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not happy with this chapter, it formed so much better in my head but I can't manage to string it all together very well. Try not to hate me. I can't believe how many kudos and comments this has thank you so much! Xxxx


	16. Chapter 16

Harry spends the next week in bed. He's awake but he's asleep. He can't tell the difference anymore. He seems to float in this in between space where he constantly dreams. Well they're not exactly dreams, mostly just memories. Each one kills him, sends an invisible cut across his body. He pulls himself out of bed when one in particular plays in his mind. 

They had been talking about what they wanted to do before they died. One that interested Harry on Louis' list was to learn sign language. Harry liked that idea. They'd found this app on their phones which taught them a new sign each day. Soon they could sign simple messages to each other. Louis was better than him but he understood what Louis told him each time. There was this one night, Harry had had an awful day at work, not being able to concentrate properly and burning a few things as well as himself. He'd walked to Louis's and it had started to rain, he was soaked and freezing by the time he got in. Louis had friends over and Harry just wanted to curl up on the couch. Louis had let him in and pushed him towards his bedroom to get dry and changed. Harry had done just that and out a fake smile on his face greeting the quests with kindness. Louis had noticed and saw the way Harry's smile stopped at his mouth, the way his forehead contained a few frown lines, the way Harry was shaking slightly from being out in the cold. When Harry had gone into the kitchen to fix more drinks Louis had followed making the excuse that he should probably help Harry. He had come into the kitchen to find Harry shivering still and leaning on the counter with his back to Louis, waiting for the kettle to boil. Louis had put his hands on Harry's tense shoulders rubbing them gently and then turning Harry round before enveloping him in a hug. Harry had shuddered at the warmth and held Louis tightly. Louis had pulled back too soon and had smiled, leaning over, pressing his arm against Harry's. He closed his fingers into his palm and sticks his thumb out.  
Harry had briefly looked down, something in his chest contorting, and then rolled his eyes, a smile playing upon his lips. He mimicked Louis' hand and gives him a thumbs up, to which Louis answered by angling his thumb to connect with Harry's. The gesture was brief, but the message clear. A promise, a sentiment.

I love you.

Harry didn't want to be in the in between space after that memory and so he gets up, eats something for the first time in about 5 days and heads out on Louis' birthday to the only place that could make him better. His mum welcomed him with open arms and he'd ended up sobbing on her whilst Gemma and Robin tried to wrap themselves around his back, forming a group hug with Harry in the middle. He'd eventually calmed and Gemma had been able to make him crack his first real smile in ages. Harry was sure they all remembered that today was Louis' birthday but no one brought it up. Harry didn't know if he was glad of that or not. He's awoken on Christmas morning by Gemma jumping on him like they were kids again. He put on his fake happiness mask and they made pancakes and coffee before waking up his mum and Robin. The family was gathered in the living room, all clad in slippers and dressing gowns, fire crackling softly, giving the room a warm glow. Presents are exchanged and so are hugs and kisses and if Harry tries hard enough he can forget that something so big is missing that he only felt half there.  
Once they're all washed and dressed Harry is forced to go and get his haircut before the rest of the family arrives for Christmas dinner, which he does, it's not Lou but the woman does a fairly good job and even styles the front of It back into a sort of quiff for him. He can see now but he misses being able to hide his bag laden eyes behind the fringe he had seemed to grow.   
He hurries home and greets the rest of his family with warm embraces and kisses on the cheek. Dinner is delicious and Harry eats more than everyone there as he hasn't eaten a proper meal in days. He gets a few odd looks but uses the excuse of him being a "growing lad" in order to eat thirds as well as dessert. Although he was hungry, eating was a way of distracting himself. Everyone around the table seems to be happy. His Grandma's hand rests gently on top of his Grandad's on the table cloth, his Auntie bounces his small baby cousin on her knee, Gemma is talking animatedly with their other cousin who was a few years younger than him, his Mum is giving Robin a loving stare and Harry, well Harry was just sort of there, sitting opposite the empty chair that should contain a grinning, blue eyed boy.   
The rest of the night passes quickly, he gets a little drunk, not smashed but just enough that he's sleepy. Family members leave one at a time before it's just the four of them again. He plays on his drunkenness and Gemma helps him to bed. Once she's made him comfortable she goes to leave before he whispers through the darkness of his room.   
"Gem?" Gemma stops and turns back to the bed.   
"Can you maybe just....stay?" He asks, his voice barely audible.  
"Really Haz?-" Gemma starts, putting a hand on her hip before Harry interrupts.  
"I can't sleep....haven't slept in weeks..." he swallows. "Not since I left him....I hate waking up and having no one beside me." His voice is quiet, slow and Gemma knows that tone. Knows he's not as ok as he's making out. She bites her lip at his confession and makes her way back over to his bed.   
"Ok" she whispers and he holding the edge of his duvet up. Gemma slides in next to him.  
"Thank you." He whispers back, shutting his eyes tightly.   
"Harry c'mere." She says quietly and he shuffles closer to her. She holds him close to her. His arms fold around her and she hears his uneven breaths. She doesn't speak, hoping her presence is enough and sure enough Harry falls into a dreamless sleep.   
Harry leaves his mothers the day before New Year's Eve with promises to call her. He sends Niall a text telling him that he's home and opens his flat. He jumps when a figure in a leather jacket is already sitting inside on his couch.   
"Zayn?" Harry says, startled.  
"Hey mate, I would hug you but I can't at the moment because you hurt Louis." Zayn says sincerely and Harry nods and gestures for Zayn to follow him to the kitchen. Zayn sits at the breakfast bar and Harry fills up the kettle before turning to face him.   
"Not that I don't want you here Zayn, but why are you here?" Harry asks, meeting Zayn's eyes before looking away. There's a hardness there, not the usual softness that Harry's used to.  
"I need to talk to you. This isn't going to make much sense but listen to me ok?" He says and Harry nods.   
"I had a crush on Perrie for a hear before I did anything about it. I had myself in all these knots because of a story I was telling myself. The way I felt about her scared me so I decided that she scared me and I made up all of these reasons for me to be afraid of being with her. Anyway i thought there was no way in hell that she would wanna be with me. I very nearly convinced myself this was true because that was easier than actually taking the risk." Zayn's looks up from his hands and looks Harry in the eye. "That scares the hell out of me Harry, the fact that I almost tricked myself out of the best thing that's ever happened to me because I was convinced I could never be that lucky." Harry isn't sure if his ears are ringing or if Zayn's words are ricocheting inside his brain. "So I had to approach her and I'm so glad I did because Perrie had given up on trying to get my attention and if I had never taken the chance then I would never have got to see what we could have been, which is pretty amazing. I just, I love her so much and I can't imagine anything worse than if we had never even talked and if she lived the rest of her life not knowing what she meant to me. That's the worse thing I can think of. But that's the thing, there isn't really ever an ending is there? There doesn't have to be, not unless we want there to be. Life keeps going and we keep going and even if we can't rewrite we can still change our minds. It's like we've got to write our own stories but we don't have to stick with the plot we picked first, Harry. So that means that happily ever after doesn't exist but a lot of better things do, if we go after them." Zayn stops talking, apparently out of words and Harry stands there frozen for what feels like at least a minute, staring at Zayn. And then it's clear, fuck it. Fuck being afraid, fuck talking himself down, fuck pretending he doesn't feel the way he does, fuck giving up. Fuck running away. And then he's suddenly kissing Zayn on the forehead holding him close and then he's grabbing his Keyes and sprinting out of the building, one thing in his mind, it's not too late. 

He's in the building before he even realises and his legs just keep going up each flight of stairs and his head is racing. He doesn't even know what he's going to say. But he's there and he's going to do it because he doesn't want to be afraid anymore. He's knocking in the door in the pattern that Louis knows as him and there's footsteps on the other side of the door, and then there the sound of a deep breath, a pause before the door is opened with utmost care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry for the long wait! It was my birthday and I've been working on another fic which seems to be controlling everything else. There's probably only going to be one more chapter of this as there isn't much more to write. I haven't edited because I'm lazy and it's like half 1 in the morning, Sorry again xxx


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it. I just wanna say thank you for all of the lovely comments and kudos and just for sticking with this really. Thank you xx ily

The adrenaline seems to abruptly run out and all Harry can do is stare at the broken boy in front of him. Louis is also frozen in the same kind of shock. His eyes are wide and his mouth is open like a goldfish. If the situation was different Harry would have pointed this out and laughed at him but instead he grips tightly to the door frame and takes a deep breath, steadying himself for the biggest thing he was going to ever have to do.   
"I thought you'd never come back." Is what falls from Louis lips and he mentally kicks himself because that's not what he planned to say to him if he ever came back. He needs to be stronger than that.   
"That night that your Grandad died and you drunk far too much but you still ended up crying in my arms, I promised you that I'd stay." Harry replies, his voice breaking on the last word and words just tumbling out of his mouth in that rambling way of his and Louis gasps because did he actually remember that? There's silence for a long moment. Louis looks at Harry as he starts to say something, maybe an apology and maybe not, and then he stops, he leans over and pulls Louis towards him- like by gravitational force. Harry kisses him, hard, and his skin is stubbly and rough against Louis' cheek. Louis' first thought is, I guess he didn't have time to shave this morning, and then he kisses him back, his fingers wind through his soft brown hair and his eyes close. Harry kisses Louis like he is drowning and Louis is air. Its passionate, and desperate, and like nothing Louis has ever experienced before and Louis thinks that this is what people mean when they say the earth stopped turning. It's needy and there's an urgency but Harry pours his love into it and Louis just can't even think. Fireworks are going off in his mind and his senses are filled with Harry. It feels like a world of their own in that door frame, that moment, didn't exist. It was just them. Harry's hand rests on Louis' hip and his fingers wrap around his waist, he pulls Louis closer and suddenly Louis freezes. The rubber band that had been pulling them together snaps. Harry stops his movements and Louis pulls away from him, putting a good three feet between them, biting his lip.   
"No, you can't do that!" Louis says in a panic, loudly.  
"You can't just waltz back here and kiss me." he says angrily through gritted teeth.  
Harry's hands run through his hair and he is equally as surprised by his actions.   
"I'm sorry, Lou, I didn't mean....I'm sorry." Harry says flustered. His lips are pink and his hair sticking up in odd angles. Louis is completely flushed and that was by far the best kiss he has ever had in his life. They had kissed before but it didn't feel like like that. Louis shakes his head before opening his mouth again to speak but Harry gets there first.  
"Louis," Harry starts, meeting Louis' eyes.  
"I don't expect to you to talk to me or even listen because I don't deserve it, but you deserve an explanation." Louis expression doesn't change, though his his chest rises and falls rapidly and he doesn't answer, so Harry takes that as an indication to go on.  
"The day I got voted off of x-factor was one of the best days of my life, though I thought it was one of the worst it could never have been as it was the day I met you. It was when I met you when I understood love songs and why couples danced with each other. I understood kissing and why it was the most beautiful thing. I understood why heartbroken people cried and why they stayed away from everyone when their hearts shattered, because they needed their space to fill it, with the voice of their lover who wasn't there, and the memories to bring their hearts pieces together, then break them again. It was when I met you when I understood what life was all about and why people stayed up late at night, thinking about that someone. I met you for a reason Louis, and I truly believe that it was because you were the one that was going to fix me. If I could just make everything fall where it should be, I would. If I could make life better for you, I would. But I can’t. All I can do is to let you know that mine has been better because of you."

Louis shakes his head. He looks at this curly haired boy who left him whilst he was sleeping. His hair is a mess and slightly too long, like his own, his usually bright green eyes are dull and lifeless, bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles, his face no longer wore that permanent smile and the hand that wasn't gripping tightly to the doorframe his was nervously clenched in a fist. He wants to be angry at him, seething with him but the sadness is like a blanket putting out the fire. However he musters up the strength and says what needs to be said.  
"I loved you with everything I had and you just left! I've been a mess! I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even hold a conversation with anyone without you slipping through my mind, I can't leave the flat because I'm worried you'll come back and I won't be here and every single thing I do reminds me of you. I would say I regret ever meeting you but how do you regret one of the best nights of your entire life? You don't. You remember every word, every look. Even when it hurts, you still remember." Louis says and Harry's broken heart throbs as even though his heart is broken he still loves Louis with all of the broken pieces. It hurts to hear about how he's hurt Louis because this is what Harry does, he hurts the people he loves so that love doesn't hurt him but knowing how much he has hurt Louis kills him. His breathing quickens and he fights to hold back the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes. He swallows around the lump in his throat as Louis continues. 

"Can you just please tell me why you left me? Was it something I did?" Louis says and although he puts on a brave exterior Harry can see right through him. 

"No! You gave me all of you Louis and you don't know how great full I am for that, it wasn't you, you are so much more than I deserve, so much more!" Harry says mind blown with how insecure Louis is. It always stunned him how Louis couldn't see how much of an amazing person he is.

"Then why?" Louis says in a quiet voice and his eyes are wet but he's holding himself together. What he really wants to ask is why didn't you let me see that part of your heart that is reserved when I gave you everything I had. But he sticks to just "why". 

"Being in love makes you vulnerable. It gets into your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armour so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostage. It gets inside you. It eats you inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness. This is going to sound strange and weird and it doesn't justify why I left you but.....here goes..." Harry takes a deep breath and Louis looks at him in confusion. Harry never opens up. 

"When I was 7, I barely spoke. Not because I was sad or shy but because I wanted to listen, work everything out. I observed everything from watching old people eat alone and pitying them, to watching young couples having fun in the water fountain at the park. I noticed something different. My mum would jerk away from my dad when he reached for her hand, Dad would answer my mum in sharp, short sentences, Dad worked late every single day, they started raising their voices at each other, calling each other names. I sat on the stairs one night, looking into the kitchen through the gaps in the bars of the banister. It turned into a screaming match. Mum shook her head at him and he did the same. They both shouted words that I didn't understand back then but knew they were awful and then after giving her one last look Dad jumped up from his chair, making it fall back and hit the floor with a loud bang, and stormed towards the front door. My mum followed him and grabbed his arm making him face her. She said "What about Harry?" and do you know what he said? "Tell him I said goodbye and that I love him."And I had begun to cry, covering my mouth as I watched my dad walk out of the house, slamming the door behind him and my mum, sink to the floor her head in her hands, crying loudly. I never saw him again after that. And so as I sat on those steps watching my mum fall apart in front of my eyes and feeling the sting at the loss of my dad I decided that Love hurt. Love didn't just hurt, it was pure agony and I didn't want anything to do with it. When I met you I fell in love Louis, I didn't know it at the time but when I realised, I realised that I had loved you since that first "hi" and I was fine with that. It terrified me but I was okay. But then that night, you were drunk and tired and you told me you loved me and I panicked because if you loved me then it meant we both loved each other and that we were in love. I was scared that it would hurt so I left, making the biggest mistake of my life because being with out you hurt me more than anything else ever would and it hurt you too. What killed me is that it was all my fault." Harry trails off as he figures out what he is going to say next. 

By the time he finishes, Louis is shaking and a tear falls down his cheek. His heart jumps in sympathy for a 7 year old Harry sitting on the stairs crying. He has to stay strong, he needs to stay strong for himself.

"I don't know what you want Harry, you took all of me and then left, not leaving a single piece of yourself and I don't think I could ever go through that again. It hurts, so bad because I need you. Haz, if you want to stop being so afraid of love then you've got to stop leaving. Your mum and dads love wasn't right, it didn't work out but that's not what always happens." Louis says gently because although he wants to shout at Harry for leaving him, he just can't bring himself to. He cant even be mad at him, because this was who he is. This was who he'd always been. Harry had never lied about that. He gave and then he took away. Louis felt it in the pit of his stomach, the familiar ache, that lost, regretful feeling only Harry could give him. Harry takes in a shaky breath and bites his lip.

"I lost you and the hardest part about losing you was that It didn't just happen once. I lost you every single day that we didn't speak. When I woke in the morning, reaching for my phone, hoping to see a message from you that wasn't there, and when I went to sleep at night after realising that the only person I wanted to moan to about how crap my day was, wasn't there. I lost you in all of the moments in between, in all of the hours that go by when I do nothing but think of you, go to call you and then don't. And I used to think that I could only miss you when I was alone but that's not true. I miss you when I'm around everyone else too, because they're not you." Louis continues quietly, praying that his voice would not betray him and show Harry how broken he was. A tear trails down Harry's cheek as Louis finishes because Harry cannot quite believe that he is even standing here having this conversation which he knows can go quite horribly wrong. Louis notices this straight away and feels guilty and also wants to apologise for his words but he doesn't and knows he shouldn't. 

"I want to tell you that I'm sorry Louis, I'm so, so sorry" Harry says and Louis flinches because Harry words play in his head but he can hear them the broken, sobbing way he said them on the phone, not this confident but unsure way that Harry had just said them. 

"I want you Louis" Harry continues and the words stun Louis again. Harry never said things like that. Sure he showed them but he never spoke them out loud. 

"Harry, I.....don't......I can't....." Louis stomach flips and he's confused and stuck, just stuck. He doesn't know what to do. Half of him begs for him to let the stubbornness go and just hold Harry because he wants him too. He always has and he always will. The other half reminds him how much it hurt when Harry left and how much of a mess he has been ever since. His brain races back and forth and he is having trouble breathing. This is too much, he doesn't know how to handle this. He repeats his words from on the phone.  
"You left me, remember?" He chokes out. And Harry flinches because he does, it was the hardest and worst thing he had ever done.  
Harry senses Louis distress and his hand reaches out to take one of Louis hands which hang limply by his side while the other one tugs at his hair. But he changes his mind and withdraws his hand before he touches him. At the moment Louis isn't his to touch. What if he's found someone else? He thinks and he too begins to panic. He needs to say something because if he doesn't he's going to lose Louis.

"I'm still terrified Lou, but it's breaking my heart knowing that I was the one that broke yours and if you'll let me, if you just give me another chance, I will try my very hardest to love you and let you love me." Harry sobs, knowing that if Louis rejects him now then this is it. He's lost Louis. He is desperate, so desperate and he is sobbing now, shaking.   
"Please" he begs. Tears falling one after the other down his cheeks and Louis can't bare to watch.   
Louis cannot take it anymore. He would go through the heartbreak again for Harry even if it did kill him because he knows Harry needs fixing and it would be his pleasure to try to fix him. All he knows all of a sudden is that he loves Harry and if he doesn't let him back in now, he will be gone forever.   
"Promise me" He says choosing his heart over his head, wiping his face with his sleeve.   
"Anything" Harry says hope quelling his sobbing body.   
"Promise you won't leave me again?" Louis whispers and a shiver runs through Harry. There's a moments silence as the two boys stare at each other, holding each other's gaze, green at blue, blue at green. Harry feels the weight of this promise, it's heavy.  
"I promise" Harry chokes out sincerely. 

Louis takes Harry into his arms and his body screams in relief. He is home. His arms pull Harry closer so their bodies are pressed tightly together and Harry's lanky arms wrap around Louis, holding onto him for support. Harry whimpers and squeezes Louis almost too tight but he doesn't complain. The two grip onto each other and Harry squeezes his eyes shut. He grips Louis so tight he feels as if his fingers will bruise. He didn't only miss this boy, he needed him. Louis is loud, obnoxious, hyperactive and a joker. He pretends that he doesn't pay attention to anyone around him but he is extremely clever, he knows exactly what is going on around him, he's protective and cares about everyone he knows. He is this very sweet person who would do anything to protect his biggest secrets and his loved ones. He's a lion or a wolf in that aspect, if you hurt someone he loves, your done. But...he has this side of him that he doesn't show in public. The side that's only for his special people, his insecurities, his fears and his love. He's very passionate and you can see that. Even when Louis comes off as sort of dominant, at home he's completely the opposite, he lets his guard down and needs taking care of. He doesn't do shallow friendships, with him it's all in, 100% trust. He loves with passion, he loves so much that it hurts him inside, yet he still does it, time and time again. He's hopelessly romantic. Louis Tomlinson is very complex and full of layers and you get what he is willing to give you but if you really pay attention you get to see a glimpse of Louis. And Harry wouldn't have him any other way.

"I love you,” Louis whispers and Harry shatters just a bit more because those words hurt and love hurts because Harry doesn’t know how an emotion so strong can possibly be a part of his life. He has no idea how this emotion can live inside of him and be a part of him because everything’s so painful and overwhelming that he can’t handle any more emotions like this. He just can’t handle it. And yet, as he lifts his head from Louis’s shoulder and catches a shaky breath between his lips, struggling to hold onto it and calm down, the words that he swore he’d never actually say and mean slip through his lips, the ones that he’s been hiding since the day he met Louis and he knew that everything in his life was going to change.

“I love you too.”

The sigh of relief that Louis breathes out is comforting to Harry, but he knows that this means everything’s changing and that nothing can possibly be the same after this.

Anything would be easier than this but he needs it, needs it like he needs air in his lungs. Louis murmurs some words of comfort into Harry's ear and Harry wills his body to relax and stop panicking.   
"I love you" Louis says again, a little louder and clearer. The words echo through Harry's brain and it suddenly clicks. He lets out a long breath and he finally begins to relax. Louis loves him and it doesn't hurt. This time he doesn't reply, instead he pulls back from the embrace slightly and bends his head down so that their foreheads are resting against each other's. He looks into Louis' eyes which are looking at Harry with complete adoration with a hint of "I missed you" and Louis moves so their lips collide. The kiss is slow, gentle, and Louis whimpers in response trying to get even closer to Harry which seems impossible seeing as they are completely wrapped up in each other. Harry's hands come up and cup Louis cheek and one of Louis' reaches up and his fingers tangle in Harry's hair, at the back of his neck. They eventually end the kiss and pull away for breath. Harry planting kisses down Louis' neck, whispering "I love you" after each one.   
"Please don't let me go" Louis whispers tears of relief falling down his face. And Harry grips onto Louis' hand and pulls him inside. Once inside he holds him tight trying to rid the space between them because   
"Never, I'm never leaving you again." And that's all Louis needs.


End file.
